10 Reasons Why That Guy Stole Ryan Braun's Urine and Then Boosted It with Steroids

1. It's an Italian thing. All Italian guys are into stealing urine and then boosting it with steroids. Frankly, I don't understand it, but they think it's central to their manhood. If you question them about it, they steal your urine and boost it with steriods. I can't afford to be banned from the game.

2. The guy hates Braun. Maybe it's over a woman. Yeah, it's gotta be a woman. She's really hot, and she pit the two of them to fight, just for her amusement. When Braun won MVP, she chose him. So the guy hates Braun and has plotted for months to bring him down. Once he learned Braun needed to pee for tests, everything fell into place. You know what they say: Revenge is a beaker best served warm!

3. The guy is a dolt, one of those funny, almost loveable sidekicks that the master villains have in Disney movies. He was supposed to steal Braun's urine and take out any foreign substances (which might have occurred naturally, because Braun certainly doesn't use boosters). Instead, the idiot messed up and added testoserone. But hell, he's got an amusing laugh. Braun probably cracks him over the head 20 times a day with an ashtray and says, "You eeeeeeeembecile!"

4. Come on, be honest, guys: Don't we all think of stealing urine and boosting it with steroids? I know I do - five times a day, more on weekends. Anybody who claims he doesn't: He's lying. Guys, it's 2012. It's time to talk openly. Come clean. We can't hide it forever. It's not going away.

5. It was a good-natured practical joke between two grand old scoundrels. Braun started it two years ago, when he subscribed the guy to a bunch of man-boy love magazines, which arrived at the guy's workplace. Then the guy left a flaming bag of dogpoo on Braun's front porch, and videoed him stomping it out. Then Braun called and got him to page "Jack Meoff?" The guy had to get Braun back -- and he did!

6. There is a little known black market for celebrity urine - the hotter the better - and the guy was trying to cash in. Braun's urine would go for $500 an ounce - if clean. But if juiced, it's worth $4,000. I myself have some 1997 Sylvester Stallone Rocky V clean urine, though it was collected after he ate asparagas. I bring it out for special occasions - the smell is incredible, and I shoot LED lasers through it to amplify the salt crystals. It's absolutely priceless.

7. The guy hates the city of Milwaukee. (Maybe he's from Skogie.) He would do anything to hurt Milwaukee. Anything. His apartment has an entire wall of news clippings about Milwaukee, with the faces cut out and distorted Biblical passages scrawled in the margins -- stuff like, "As ye sew, so shall Milwaukee burn!" 

8. The guy is a terrorist, pure and simple. He trained in one of those camps in Afghanistan. They taught him how to destroy major American institutions. Urine theft and pee boosting is one of the newer techniques of mass destruction. There is about to be a wave of them.

9. The guy is a paid hit man, under the new Theo Epstein regime in Chicago. Get used to this stuff, folks. The old, easygoing National League Central is about to change. They're going to see what it's like to play AL East style ball.

10. He doesn't know why he did it. A voice in his head just said, "You must steal Ryan Braun's pee and then boost it with performance enhancing drugs."  The voice sounded like William Shatner. Who would ignore an order from Captain Kirk?

But still, I'm betting it's about a woman.