Baseless speculation that is maybe true: Gashman is romancing Raul Ibanez to flush out Johnny Damon

Nobody, not even Joel Sherman, can decipher why Brian Gashman would choose 40-year-old Raul Ibanez over young (comparatively speaking) Johnny Damon, unless that scary Ms. Meanwell stalker so screwed up his nervous system that he's afraid to remember the last time he found true love: The 2009 Yankees.

Listen: Ibanez isn't yesterday's clam dip, but here's a guy who clipped coupons most of his career, then suddenly exploded with Philadelphia - and last year returned to the laundry pile. Why would anyone think he was going to re-blossom in the AL East... unless they were being stalked by a psychopathic lady who looks like Professor Irwin Corey in a wig?

Why would anyone pick Ibanez over Johnny Damon, a future Hall of Famer with a swing engineered for Yankee Stadium, with a proven track record in the post-season, and who improves every team he ever joins?

I think they're playing chicken, trying to screw Johnny out of some money. Know why? Because that's all Cashman cares about: Gold.

He loves only gold.

Only gold.

Don't the Steinbrothers want to win? They have a chance to build the best team in baseball, and they're thinking about saving a few thin dimes? What are they going to do with that gold? Give it to their servants. DOWN WITH THE ONE PERCENT. GIVE YOUR GOLD TO THE TEAM, STEINBRENNERS. PAY UP FOR JOHNNY DAMON, OR WE'LL MARCH ON YOUR OFFICE AND STEAL YOUR PARKING SPACES. WE'RE NOT GOING TO PICK COTTON IN YOUR FAN PLANTATIONS -- FANTATIONS! -- ANYMORE.

SPEND YOUR MONEY, STEINBROTHERS. THE ONLY THING SLIMIER THAN A POORMOUTH BILLIONAIRE... IS TWO OF THEM.