Backstage at the 700 Club

          Pat Robertson has come out in favor of legalizing pot. “I really believe we should treat marijuana the way we treat beverage alcohol,” he told The New York Times.

          Good morning, Reverend Robertson, and praise Jesus! The sun is out, and it’s a beautiful day!

          Yo, like, heh, I hear you, man.

          We got ourselves a great show planned. Trudy wants to talk up the plan to cut payments to Jezebels for their contraceptives. Jeremiah has an opinion piece about the need to bomb Iran. And we'll discuss the Midwest tornados.  

          Woah, dude, like, yeah! I’m with you. Like, wow, I was thinking, you know those guys in the labs, who are always talking about warming, you know, global warming, you know those guys? What do they call them?  

          Scientists?

          Yeah, absolutely! Whatever. Like, well, you know how they always show these, like, chart things, with numbers? What if we get the numbers of all the prayers in the Midwest, and compare it to the numbers of tornadoes in the Midwest. Because their prayers are down, and that's why their tornadoes are up. Get it? People would be, like – “Woooah, yeah, this chart thing totally blows my mind! Like, this scientology stuff, it’s totally bogus! We gotta get prayin'!”  

          Praise the Lord. That's a great idea. We can put an intern on that.

          And I’m thinking, like, what if the ladies, before they get their, you know, abortion things... how about if first, there's a law that says they gotta get some ultrasense, ultrasong, that ultrastuff, what do they call it?

          Ultrasound?

          Dude, you nailed it. You're, like, a computer. Yeah, so like, they gotta do Michelob Ultra! I mean, everybody would say, "You're gonna shove that doobie up my broom closet? Screw the abortion!" What if they had to do that? I mean, woah, would that, like, be frickin' awesome? Pardon my French, heh heh. 

          Actually, they’re trying it in Virginia. It’s pretty controversial.

          Oh, yeah? Well, hey, I donno, forget it, I’m just throwing it out, man, you don't have to get testy.

          We gotta get you into Makeup, sir. We're running behind.

          Yeah, well, actually, I was gonna talk to you about that. I actually gotta meet somebody in the parking lot. He’s a friend of mine. I think his name is Skooch. It’s really important. He’s gonna stop by with, like, a package. I really want you to let him in, man. 

          Sure. No problem. Skooch. Anything else?

          You gonna eat that last donut?