AN EMPIRICAL EVALUATION REGARDING THE IMPACT OF REVERSE-POLARITY JUJU BIOLUMINESCENCE ON C. GRANDERSON’S THREE HOME RUNS DURING A 134-MINUTE PERIOD IN APRIL 2012

On the evening of 4.16.12, an experiment conducted by this observer induced in Yankee subject C. Granderson (CG) the following explosive release of anecdotal phenomena.

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HR NO. 1: In advance of CG’s first plate appearance, (approximately 7:42 p.m. ET) this observer reversed polarity on the traditional juju position – abandoning the usual offensive, cobra-like stance in front of television (aka lodestone) – for a horizontal “broken pencil” alignment on the couch, normally a position used for defensive purposes. This was prompted in part by pitcher P. Hughes surrendering four runs in top of said first inning, inducing stomach duress and blood pressure spike. This practitioner lay inert on said couch and projected verbal condemnation toward said viewing screen. The impact on CG was instant and noticeable, with a HR blast trajectory measured at 383 feet (116.738 m).

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HR NO. 2: By the second appearance, normal offense strategies had been restored. However, with the CG coming to the plate, and D Jeter on first base, this observer decided to re-assume the experimental couch position, as per Inning No. 1. Again, the impact was pronounced and visible, although the second trajectory was 360 feet (109.728 m), a decline in distance of 6 percent.

HR. NO. 3: Again, with appearance of CG, this observer refrained from invoking normal offensive posture, moving said body to said couch, again with a pronounced near-electrical ejaculation of bioluminescent energy. Nevertheless, the third impact-drive was measured at a distance of 352 feet, (107.289 m) a 2 percent decrease in crushedness from HR NO. 2.

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NOTE: DUE TO CONCERNS ABOUT THE MEASURABLE DECREASE IN DISTANCE, IT WAS DECIDED TO DISCONTINUE THE JUJU EXPERIMENT AT THIS TIME.

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A continued decrease in energy would leave future CG balls landing on the warning track. Thus, the couch was abandoned. This decision was not rendered without spirited internal and mental debate.

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Nevertheless, this observer concluded that to continue the experiment could undermine its usefulness in the post-season.

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THE EXPERIMENT WILL BE RECONTINUED IN THE PLAYOFFS.

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CONCLUSION: Solid anecdotal evidence suggests the reverse juju bioluminescence – or biological transduction of energy into visible light – of C. Granderson can and must be exploited in future Yankee events.

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Simply stated, for those of you who are untrained or mentally incapable of understanding the nuances of empirical science: A skilled jujuist must parcel out projectiles in careful quantities, often by threes. Three strikes, you’re out. Three outs, you’re done. Babe Ruth wore three. C. Granderson hit three HRs. We must be not abuse this juju strategy – at least until we reach Boston.

More study, hopefully with federal grant money, is required.