In 30 words or more, imagine Brian Cashman's speech to Hal and Hank as he revisits the pre-spring training decision to trade AJ Burnett. Utilize the concepts of irony and self-congratulation. Include the phrase "basket of fried chicken."
Stein Bros: Our credit good enough to buy you out?
Cash: Buy me out?
[Levine laughs nervously]
Stein Bros: Bartolo, Pineda, Meanwell . . . The Family wants to buy you out.
Cash: The Family wants to buy me out? No, I buy you out, you don't buy me out.
Stein Bros.: The success of your rotation hinges on a 39 year old legend returning from retirement, maybe we can do better.
Cash: You goddamn Indianans, you really make me laugh. I do you a favor and take Rafael in when you're having a bad time, and now you're gonna try and push me out!
Stein Bros: You took Rafael in because the Family bankrolled your roster, and the Pedro Feliciano debacle guaranteed room in the pen. Now we're talking business, let's talk business.
Cash: Yeah, let's talk business. First of all, you're all done. The Family don't even have that kind of money anymore. Gotta get under the cap, right? You're getting poor-mouthed around the league by Selig and the other Families.
Stein Bros: Is that why you dealt A.J for a bucket of warm chicken?
Fredo Garcia: Aw, now that, that was nothin'. Cash didn't mean nothin' by that. It's not his fault I can't make it out of the second inning.
Cash: I got a team to run. I gotta kick asses sometimes to make it run right. We had a little argument, AJ and me, so I had to straighten him out.
Stein Bros: You straightened our rotation out?
Cash: He was smacking pitching coaches two at a time! Catchers wouldn't even call games for him! What's the matter with you?
Stein Bros: We leave for New York tomorrow, think about a price.
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I'm not much for writing dialogue, but it oughta end with him cutting off his pinky and sliding it across the desk to Hank.
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Stein Bros: Our credit good enough to buy you out?
ReplyDeleteCash: Buy me out?
[Levine laughs nervously]
Stein Bros: Bartolo, Pineda, Meanwell . . . The Family wants to buy you out.
Cash: The Family wants to buy me out? No, I buy you out, you don't buy me out.
Stein Bros.: The success of your rotation hinges on a 39 year old legend returning from retirement, maybe we can do better.
Cash: You goddamn Indianans, you really make me laugh. I do you a favor and take Rafael in when you're having a bad time, and now you're gonna try and push me out!
Stein Bros: You took Rafael in because the Family bankrolled your roster, and the Pedro Feliciano debacle guaranteed room in the pen. Now we're talking business, let's talk business.
Cash: Yeah, let's talk business. First of all, you're all done. The Family don't even have that kind of money anymore. Gotta get under the cap, right? You're getting poor-mouthed around the league by Selig and the other Families.
Stein Bros: Is that why you dealt A.J for a bucket of warm chicken?
Fredo Garcia: Aw, now that, that was nothin'. Cash didn't mean nothin' by that. It's not his fault I can't make it out of the second inning.
Cash: I got a team to run. I gotta kick asses sometimes to make it run right. We had a little argument, AJ and me, so I had to straighten him out.
Stein Bros: You straightened our rotation out?
Cash: He was smacking pitching coaches two at a time! Catchers wouldn't even call games for him! What's the matter with you?
Stein Bros: We leave for New York tomorrow, think about a price.