Yesterday, upon hearing the news, I screamed out the words that were so pressurized inside me...

They just Ridley Scotted from my belly, gushed out after I heard the news:

 Texas signed Roy Oswalt.

"OF COURSE THE F====G RANGERS SIGNED HIM. THEY GET F====G EVERYBODY.”

Yes, people…  the Rangers are the Yankees.

Unable to dominate the NFL, the malevolent, George Bushian state of Texas has chosen to exert its oily blood money in baseball. And we, the Eastern dandy heiress cupcakes that we are, graciously stepped aside.

Once upon an owner, the Yankees chased every free agent, especially an experienced pitcher who just might help us win a pennant. Somebody on the market? The only question is baseball was, does George intend to sign him?

Well, not anymore. The Steinboys own majority interest in a franchise estimated to be worth $4 billion. But when a free agent hits the market, they’re too busy perusing the slightly past sale-date aisle at Aldi’s.

What really sucks is that Texas not only spends the bucks, but it already has the best team and best farm system in baseball. It’s the Rangers lineup that scares people. It’s the Rangers team that brings out the fans. It’s the Rangers who everybody wants to be.

We used to be. We abdicated our crown, surrendered without a shot.

We didn’t want to be the big bad Yankees anymore.

Hey, did you hear the big news yesterday? We signed a Japanese scrap-heaper – Duzisuk Yubeteduz - for our famous Thruway Team! Hey, is Sidney Ponson throwing off a flat surface? He can’t pitch, but he’s cheap. There’s always a bargain at Aldi’s.