10 Hiring Criteria for Detroit Tigers Stadium Security Personnel

Yankee players have criticized the Detroit Tigers security personnel for letting a fan roam the field for several minutes Sunday, delaying the final out. This is ridiculous. Tigers' security is legendary for having the most stringent job requirements in the game. The criteria for applicants:

1.   Must be in tip-top physical condition! No exceptions!

2.   Must exhibit catlike instincts and agility! No exceptions.

3.   Skilled in martial arts and all forms of hand-to-hand combat! Absolutely no exceptions.

4.   Masters degree in verbal negotiating skills. Mandatory. (That means no exceptions.)

5.   Not affiliated with any public employees guild or union. (Once fulfilled, job requirements 1-4 may be waived.)

6.   Must know how to use flashlight, or be willing to learn.

7.   Capable of group-herding techniques, specializing in long-range surround-and-capture strategy.

    8.   Must pass written text showing knowledge of all bases (1, 2, 3) and outfield (L, C, R) positions.

9.   Ability to tuck in shirt.

10.  Must own uniform.