1. They need a $13 million, 33-year-old backup 3B.
2. They could never again gaze into that beautiful face without crying.
3. Team needs somebody to make Papi look thin
4. Fans addicted to cool coconut-bonk sound when he's beaned.
5. Boston has no history of jettisoning veteran players.
6. Team announcers need to be able to say, "You're not hearing boos..."
10 bucks says the Mets trade for him.
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