Today, the central defining brass cog of the Yankiverse, around which all planetary matter spins, is known to physicists of Yankeeology by the name of Austin Romine

OK, I know what you're thinking: Dukie,  did you know you have a tendency to overstate your crapola headlines? Because what's up there looks like drunken Lindsay Lohan dialogue from the "Liz and Dick" chick flick. Are you mixing Adderall and alcohol again? We know of Austin Texas. Who is Austin Romine?

OK, to answer your questions: The headlines are truth, which often needs metaphorical buttressing. No Adderall, but I'm into the fourth Snickers bar.  And here: 

TEN TRUE E-HOLLYWOOD FACTS ABOUT AUSTIN ROMINE (who right now is odds on favorite to be our catcher in 2013:)

1. We drafted him out of a Texas high school in the second round of 2007. (Yes, Austin, Texas!)

2. In 2010, Baseball America rated him our second best prospect, behind Jesus Montero.

3. That year, he caught in the Futures Game.

4. He got stuck behind Jesus and suffered two years at AA Trenton. His hitting flat-lined.

5. When the Yankees ran out of catchers in September 2011, they used Romine, because they had no faith in Jesus' defense.

6. Romine was then said to be MLB-ready behind the plate.

7. He went to spring training last year expecting to challenge for backup catcher.

8. He threw out his back, and his season turned to crap. The Yankees traded for Chris Stewart.

9. Romine played in August and caught recently in the Arizona Instructional League. He didn't hit much, but his defense was said to be solid. He made the all-prospects team.

10. This year, he'll be 24. (Yes, twenty-four. Can you imagine that? Twenty-four!)

Listen: I loved Russell Martin, and I hate the notion of the Murdoch-rich Yankees being outspent by the Carnegies and raping Roethlesburgers of Pittsburgh. But even if he bats cross-handed, Austin Romine can't hit worse than what Martin did through last July. And no matter how you tease Martin's numbers, .211 is still a daily 1-for-5. Almost every other team in baseball would hand the position to Romine and feel good about it. Our concern is his Mattinglyesque back. If it holds up, Austin Romine could be our savior. And it sure would be nice to have someone under 30 in the lineup.

I say this with the deepest, darkest fear that Brian Cashman right now is spinning the chamber of a loaded revolver, cooking up some hideous trade, the likes of which will require us to invoke the name of Michael Pineda. Remember the fundamental rules of MLB: No GM ever trades with the Yankees, unless it's a hose job. Everybody in small market America wants to beat the big bad Yankees in a trade.

There's speculation that Grandyman will go -- and, hey, .225 is also a daily 1-5 -- but please, please, please, oh juju gods of the game, don't let the Branch Rickey of Rappelling trade some kids for another rust-bucket. And frankly, I'd like to see Austin from Texas get a full shot before we do anything. And if the back goes blooey, hey, look on the bright side: We still have Eli Whiteside. From the right side.