Why in the world would we want to sign BJ Upton?

On the comment boards of the Yankiverse, desperate voices are calling for us to sign BJ Upton - aka Grandyman II - to a long-term deal.  Shoot these people: Find them, pull them from their homes, and put them down. I think they're mixing him up with Justin Upton, or Upton Sinclair, or Kate Upton, or maybe BJ Thomas, or maybe they just want a BJ on the team. All of the above is a better idea than signing BJ Upton.

He's 28, and throughout his career, he's done nothing but disappoint. Why would anyone think he'll suddenly blossom into anything but a slower, pudgier version of BJ Upton?

Listen, I'm not wasting words on this. Let's let Kate's record stand for herself. Take a gander at the strikeout totals and the BA, and ponder two Grandymen in the order, dueling for the league lead in Ks, their speed rendered useless and the .230 batting averages on the Jumbotron every time they step to the plate. Take a look, folks, and if you still think it's a good idea to spray $100 million on another Jerry Mumphrey, please, please, please... root for the Mets.