Saturday, December 15, 2012

A Christmas poem from Crazy Yankee Chick

Where has she been all my life?


'Twas a night in the offseason, and all through the land,
Not a creature was sitting in the stadium stands.
The stirrups still hang by the lockers with care,
In the hopes that opening day soon would be there.

Cashman was nestled by hot stove (still heating),
While visions on the Post showed Jeter (still eating).
And Mo in his rehab, and Arod’s aging bones,
Make the upcoming season a cistern of unknowns.

When out in cyberspace there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from football mode to see what was the matter,
Away to the internet I flew like a banshee,
Opened up Firefox and googled “new Yankees.”

The mood on the blogs of the new-written posts,
Was resignation at best and murderous at most.
What to my wondering eyes came upon,
Was news of acquiring Beezlebub’s spawn.

An old Boston fielder, so much of a d*ck,
I knew in a moment this must be a trick.
More preternatural than picklebacks, this must be a fluke.
Now joining the Yankees is none other than Youk.

“Now Andy! Now Pineda! Now D-Rob and CC!
On, Texeira! On Cano! On Gardner and Cervelli!
To the top of division, to the top of the east,
You’ll have to make nice with this ex-Red Sux beast.”

As stomachs that turn before taking the stage,
I felt sick and uneasy, and somewhat enraged.
His bellicose stance compares to rhinos when mating,
Or Soda Popinkski-- it all compounds my hating.

And then in a twinkling, I read on the twitter,
The hemming and hawing over our new 3B hitter.
As I drew in my breath, and was taking it in,
I tried to envision when baseball begins:

Youk’s all dressed in pinstripes, from head to his foot.
And his helmet’s all tarnished, with pinetar and soot.
Wagging his bat, parallel to the dirt,
Like some roided up yoga he’s trying to exert.

His eyes—so depraved! His hair—doesn't exist!
His goatee is like dead moss, his brow—homo habilis.
His skull cap of a head is puffed up like toadstool,
And the beard of his chin makes him all the more a fool.

The wad of his dip once held tight in his cheek,
Distended his jaw and made him look like a freak.
He has a broad frame, and was called “roly poly,”
And laughs like the Pinnochio villain, Stromboli.

He’s not a Greek god, he’s not even Greek,
He’s just a Moneyball prototype, who’s already peaked.
A high and in fastball will cause him to riot,
And not all the tea in China could keep his a** quiet.

I’ll speak not a word when he first dons the stripes,
When opening against Boston (hashtag media hype).
And raising his finger may work in Fenway,
But you’re a Yankee now, b*tch. So shut up and play.

He sprung at the deal, to the Sox said adieu,
Now we wait out the winter, for the season anew.
But hear me exclaim, ‘fore I cap off this prate:
“Happy Holidays to all, and to Youk: pull your weight!”

8 comments:

  1. Damn straight.
    Pull your weight!

    In other news, one of the teacher heroes of the horrific Newtown massacre was a Yankee fan. God belss Victoria Leigh Soto:
    http://www.stamfordadvocate.com/local/article/Teacher-from-Stratford-shielded-students-4120759.php

    ReplyDelete
  2. fantastic submit, very informative. I ponder why
    the opposite specialists of this sector don't realize this. You must proceed your writing. I'm sure, you've a great readers' base already!
    My blog post emerson electric company buy stocks

    ReplyDelete
  3. hello!,I like your writing so a lot! proportion we keep in touch extra approximately
    your article on AOL? I need a specialist in this house to resolve my problem.
    May be that's you! Looking forward to see you.
    My web page :: binary options brokers

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good information. Lucky me I recently found your website by chance (stumbleupon).
    I've saved as a favorite for later!
    Feel free to visit my weblog :: work from home nottingham

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm gone to convey my little brother, that he should also go to see this webpage on regular basis to obtain updated from newest news update.
    Feel free to visit my blog : com.Blucigs

    ReplyDelete
  6. ok, naybe we need the robot-detecting codes once again. this is ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I like the valuable info you provide in your articles. I will bookmark your blog and check again
    here regularly. I am quite sure I will learn a lot of
    new stuff right here! Good luck for the next!
    My blog post ; internet marketing affiliate program

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hola! I've been reading your web site for some time now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from New Caney Tx! Just wanted to say keep up the excellent work!
    Here is my webpage looking to invest?

    ReplyDelete

Members of the blog can comment. To receive an e-mailed invitation, write to johnandsuzyn@gmail.com. And check spam if it doesn't show up. (Google account required.)

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.