Tale of the Tape: DIAZ v CANZLER

The Yankees yesterday landed 2011 International League MVP Russ Canzler, setting up a spring training mano-a-mano, all-or-squat, loser-goes-to-Scranton battle with Matt Diaz for the title of 2013 Righthanded Fourth Outfielder and Occasional DH, or RFOODH (pronounced RAW-FOOD-HUH) .

Canzler vs Diaz! The Fight to be the Mighty Righty. Here's the tale of the tape:

AGE:  Canzler: 26
Diaz: 34
ANALYSIS: Canzler is a baby, too young to relate to Yankee boomers.  When teammates complain about restless leg syndrome or the Medicare donut hole, will he understand a word they say? He should come back in 10 years. ADVANTAGE: DIZZY

HOMETOWN: 
Canzler: Hazelton, Pa.
Diaz: Lakeland, Fl.
ANALYSIS: Diaz can drive to spring training. If the car breaks down, he can hitch. On weekends, he can drive home, mow the lawn, sleep in his own bed. But Canzler - if he happens to be demoted to Triple A - will return home to Scranton as a conquering Yankee hero. ADVANTAGE: CANZ.

DNA:
Canzler: 6'2, 220, 30th round pick in 2004, no college education!
Diaz: 6'0, 215, 17th round pick in 1997, college (but Florida State - yikes!)
ANALYSIS: Diaz, a pudgepie at 215, should possess the endomorphic body type that can push his way into the clubhouse lunch buffet line. But Canzler, with two inches of height, should have the better boarding house reach. ADVANTAGE: CANZ

INTANGIBLES:
Canzler: His lifetime average is .271, we're his 4th team since December, his uniform number was once 4 (good luck with that), and he can play 3B, if Youk and Arod are simultaneously hurt (as impossible as that seems.)
Diaz: His lifetime average is .291, his Baseball Reference astral twin is Wayne Nrdhagen, in 2009 he ranked 13th in the NL for HBP, and his number was once 23 (good luck with that.) ADVANTAGE: WHO CARES, WE'LL PROBABLY SIGN MIKE EASLER TOMORROW. (Besides, damn, I can't think. I keep staring at that lady boxer's biceps. It's turning me on. Hey, I gotta go!)