Secret phone rings in the office of Hal Steinbrenner: Chirp, chirp, chirp...
Hello?
Hal, this is Brian. I need to talk to you about Joe.
Hal; ok. But use code words for Chrissake, you have no idea who might be listening in!
Brian; Joe called me at 4;12 am from Oakland and reminded me that Tex and Yuke were about 0-16 with 8 strikeouts.
Hal; that is an early phone call. What time was it in Tampa?
Brian: Who gives a shit? Listen to this; Joe thinks the Yankees would do better with Overbay at first, Ichiro in right and Adams at third !
Hal; Jesus! Even the dumb-ass Mets wrote me that Ike Davis was hitting better than Tex when they sent him to the Vegas proving grounds. So what are you telling me?
Brian; How's it going to look if we sit down $20 million in assets and replace them with $786,112 in assets? And play better baseball? This is a nightmare, and could become a national scandal...
Hal; Friggen A, you've got me there. If we sit these dudes down, we'll look like total assholes who have no idea what we're doing!! It's worse than when we drafted number one that kid who told us he was going to UCLA, and he did!
Brian; Exactly. Money talks in baseball and everywhere else. It is the American way. So what can I tell Joe?
Hal: Tell him to re-screw his head on straight and keep playing the superstars. Tell him I won't have some cheapskate ballclub playing better baseball than these 1%'ers ! I don't care if we get blown out on the entire road trip.
The only way we can et them out of the line-up ios if another injury should occur. Or some type of moral turpitude. Hmmm.. I could make some calls.
Brian; Thanks, Hal. I knew you'd see it my way. I'll suggest that Joe tell the media that baseball is a difficult game to predict, and that we have full confidence in our superstars.
One more thing: that dirtbag Alphonso predicted, way back when we were in first place, that the Yankees would get worse when our injured " stars " returned. How can I get him off our case?
Hal; Send him four free tickets to the Goldman Sachs box at the stadium and a bottle of Crown Royal. WTF does he know?
By the way, what time is it?
Dear Abby,
ReplyDeleteI've been a lifelong Yankees fan, but this season they are just disappointing me like crazy. Players who are proven to have chemistry together have been benched in favor of very rich, bad hitters, with no team cohesion or understanding of how a team wins games.
Management continues plodding in the same, very worn path of failure that began in earnest during last year's playoffs. The glimmer of flexibility shown earlier this season, when there was no other choice, has been snuffed in Torre-like fashion.
Abby, I know you don't give a shit about any of this, but from what I've told you, what would you suggest I do for the rest of the summer? Get drunk, avoid game broadcasts, and count down the days to the start of Canadian curling season? Or should I continue watching Yankee games out of loyalty, even if it means having to replace our lovely, 35-inch cathode ray television because I'll ultimately throw a chair through its screen?
I hope you can help.
Signed,
The Fellow Tying a Rope onto the Sturdiest Beam in the Apartment
Manhattan
Dear John,
ReplyDeleteI've tried to come to grips with your problem, but I just cannot take my eyes off those biceps on Jayson Nix. Damn, I bet he's a genuine stud muffin. If that hussy Suzyn Waldman tries to make a move on him, there will be a hair-pulling knockdown in the Bronx Tuesday night.
Preoccupied and genuinely steamed up with postmenopausal arousal, Abby
Dear Mr. Alphonso: Please accept our invitation to enjoy the Yankees-Dodgers game this coming Tuesday from the confines of our corporate luxury box at Yankee Stadium. Henry Paulson and Jamie Dimon will also be our guests Tuesday evening, and we were hoping that in addition to providing a little play-by-play when the Yankees are at bat, you might also opine on current policies at the Federal Reserve. Anticipating a stimulating discussion with you, Lloyd Blankfein, CEO
ReplyDeleteDear Lloyd, I'll be there, baby, with bells on.
ReplyDeleteNote to John M; watch the USMNT and the USWNT in qualifying games for the world cup and or friendlies.
The Giants begin July 27.
And summer is a great time to drink and be merry. But I agree, this team with the old bums is putrid.