It is time for the Yankiverse to rise, to form mobs of the juju network, and to finish off the detested 2013 Orioles of Baltimore, a city that won the Super Bowl last winter and certainly needs no baseball trophy to supplement its crudity. It is time to send Mr. Buck Showalter to the showers of Hell, and ask him once and for all to explain why he, in the final game of a season, yanked all his starters so the California Angels could have home field advantage in the playoffs. Oh, yes, we did not forget, Mr. "I'll Always Be a Yankee," and tonight, the collective juju of the Yankiverse must take the form of - well - I'm thinking of that smoke monster in "Lost," (which I never did figure out - the thing turned into Locke, right? Oh, screw it, I'm on a role here) and wreak raw and un-hamstered vengeance upon all who oppose the pinstriped faith.
And there are many. In the eyes of Major League Baseball, we are Lance Armstrong, al Qaeda, the Westboro Baptist Church, with a dash of Miley Cyrus on Molly. We are alone in this quest. If the Yankees win the World Series, it will be the worst month of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver's lives - while they describe the action. If the Yankees win the World Series, Bud Selig's hairpiece will become alive.
So, In the second inning, take to your TV, radio or electronic receptacle of Yankee news. Glare at it. Glower. Twerk. Focus your psychic testicles upon the Yankees, and release the juju seed that has been welling up for months inside you - figuratively, of course - firing it directly into the YES stream or Jeep-driven radio sounds, and don't let up until we have scored five runs. Five runs. (That will nullify the five run lead Phil Hughes may have given them.) A victory tonight will vanquish Baltimore once and for all, and perhaps move Team Satan to just one game in the loss column behind the Martha Rays, whose Tamponic players right now are fleeing their positions like 12-year-old girls in a summer camp panty raid.
Tell your friends. Tell strangers. Tell Obama (talking to you, NSA moles!) Rent sound trucks. Buy billboards. Pass the word.
Tonight, we of the Yankiverse rise.
INTERNATIONAL JUJU INTERVENTION
TONIGHT
SECOND INNING
UNLEASH HELL
If A-Rod's batting second, I'll start my intervention in the first. Is that acceptable?
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to keep up our unremitting negativity on the Yankees chances in the face of their extinction of the birds. But I think that very negativity and inability to see any silver lining may be a form of Juju in and of itself.
ReplyDeleteA friend said last Saturday, 'I think the other teams are going to kind of collapse and the Yanks will get in there.' This is exactly the kind of clear-headed positivism that may prove deadly down the stretch.
Only by realizing that we should always, always expect the worst can we achieve success. Think it over.
I admit to no collusion here; no agreement with the premises offered. I am simply here to mention a few salad dressings I am familiar with...french, thousand island, russian...and my presence serves no other purpose here. I neither condone nor support the call to action espoused herein and I furthermore do not align myself with any group who might consider said call to action actionable. I do as I'm told, and I have yet to be told anything resembling this.
ReplyDelete(If I could have spelled Roquefort two years ago I wouldn't even be here. Don't ask.)
John M,
ReplyDeleteNegative juju is one of the most powerful forms of the black art, and Alphonso prides himself on it. Often, readers of this blog do not understand what he is doing, when he trashes everything about the Yankees. I am not making this up. I covered his work extensively in "The Juju Rules."
Always expect the worst. Negativity is our greatest and swiftest sword!
I've always thought that pessimists have it made. they are never disappointed and often pleasantly surprised. I just don't happen to have it in me to be a pessimist. I ALWAYS think we can win, even when I know we are the inferior team and the pitching matchup sucks. I simply cannot be any other way, so I often suffer greatly.
ReplyDeleteWe need optimists too. It's like a lefty-righty platoon.
ReplyDeleteI believe we have a good staff, well balanced.
ReplyDeleteAs for Mike's above salad dressing mentions, even spam should make sense. I mean, if you're selling Viagra and Cialis, the spam says so. What's he selling? Roquefort? Russian? It's not clear at all.
Perhaps it's just an Oriole fan thinking back to the salad days of the late 60s.
(Ouch. I'm sorry. Couldn't resist, my bad.)
John, you leave Mike alone. My boytoy Eddie whispered his name into my pillow last night. You'll be hearing big things from Mike soon, let me tell you!!
ReplyDeleteOh, now that I have your attention, does anyone on this blog know if sarin gas has an expiration date? I may be getting a boat load of this stuff in the near future but I am concerned about the shelf life. I have big plans, guys. BIG plans!
My psychic testicles are focused, indeed. This is new for them, but they have always been game little fellers.
ReplyDelete