Yankeetorial: Dear Mr. Steinbrenner, it's time for the Yankees to go global

Dear Madam or Sir,

According to the Internet, Yankee scouts lately have been chasing stool samples on a bunch of international free agents. Not long ago, this would have goosed the Yankiverse, because it meant Old George was going to import a star attraction and - at the very least - put the team on the front pages of public curiosity. We might get the great Hideki Matsui. It might be the enigmatic Jose Contreras. Either way, everybody would be talking about the Yankees. (As opposed to the Redsocks' beards.)

That, of course, was a time before before Darvish, Chapman, Cespedes, Soler, Puig, Uehara, Tazawa, Iwakuma, Matsuzaka, Iglesias, Betacourt, Morales, Ryu, and Choo. Yes, the time before Ryu and Choo! (A little Dr. Seuss, anyone?)

Last year, we "signed" the likes of Francisco, Bosch, Lilibridge, Brignac, Neal, Nelson and of course Bootcheck. Did I mention Chris Bootcheck? Yeah, we signed Bootcheck too. As long as they were on the scrapheap, we wanted them. 

Of course, whenever anybody criticizes the Yankees for not attending world auctions, you say the magic word: Kei Igawa. Yes, we imported the biggest Asian fiasco since pond milfoil. And, like their American counterparts, aging Japanese stars now take their pre-Medicare lap in New York: Hiroki Kuroda pitched well last summer, until the tires fell off. And the great Ichiro!... He of the .298 on base percentage!

Well, boys, somepin's gotta change. The most intriguing free agent on the market today is Masahiro Tanaka, 24 and undefeated in Japan. It'll cost $75 million just to talk to him. It's the price of doing business. NO: It's the price of NOT doing business last winter. And here's the kicker: You can't stop there.

There is a 31-year-old Korean relief pitcher named Seung-Hwan Oh. Get him. And a 27-year-old Cuban, Ordisamer Despaigne. Get him. There are others. Get them. GET THEM. GET THEM. GET THEM.

Listen: Obviously, I'm no scout. I don't know if Ordisamer Despaigne is any good. (But I took the time to spell his name. That should count for something.) You must do diligence. But this isn't a case of you needing to be "aggressive." Dammit, you need to be insane. Five years ago, you shelled out $250 million for CC, AJ and Tex. There aren't three free agents out there of that magnitude. And in this New Baseball World Order, we cannot surrender first round picks for the likes of 30-year-old Brian McCann or 39-year-old Carlos Beltran. They're just not that good. 

Use your money to buy international players. If they suck, trade them. The Yankees are valued at $3.3 billion. You can take a hit. This is how we replenish our system and team, simultaneously. 

LISTEN: We must not enter the 2014 draft picking AFTER the Redsocks. Get it? NOT a good idea.

Insert sigh here. Mr. Steinbrenner, I believe that in your heart, you want the Yankees to win. But I don't care anymore what's in your heart. Sir... what's in your wallet?