News from Yankee Country: Syracuse hailed as America's undisputed worst weather hellhole

The Farmers Almanac - yes, Virginia, there IS a Farmers Almanac - has named Syracuse as the city with the worst weather in America.

Yes, they're all pointing our way and giggling at the sight of a six-foot snow drift towering over a little kid with his tongue stuck to the car bumper. The picture of Syracuse.

Well, did you know that we are taking action about it? For decades, Syracuse is the city where giant Carrier air conditioners were built. This massive machines allowed plantation owners in southern climates to run factories in the heat, destroying the Rust Belt economies, burning fossil fuels and increasing global warming.

Through global warming, Syracuse winters are becoming milder - in fact, so tediously hot that we almost never change out of sandals anymore. Meanwhile, the waters are inching toward your trailer parks, Florida. It won't be long. And don't bother migrating northward, because that fence you're building along the Texas-Mexico is nothing compared to the one we plan to build across Pennsylvania. And our response to the melting of the ice caps will be to buy every resident of Florida a free pair of stilts. You'll be able to slosh around just fine.  Now, pardon me, while I go outside to tan.