Tips on maintaining security at your Super Bowl party

It's the holiest night of the year, which means it's a sure time for terrorists to try and strike your home Super Bowl party. How can you stop them? Take a page from the National Football League.

1. No strangers allowed. That fellow who claims to be your sister's boyfriend's cousin? How well do you know him? Did he bring a driver's license? Best bet: Do not let anybody inside who has not passed a background check. Play it loose, and you when you put a chip in the dip, you might just find... a bomb!

2. Plainclothes undercover police as "party goers." They should be armed and skilled in the art of reading people's minds, as airport security officials are. Introduce them as cousins or co-workers. Let them move from conversation to conversation, listening carefully for code words. If someone suddenly attacks the TV with a bomb, only instant police muscle can save the day.

3. A show of physical presence at the door. Two or three hulking brutes, preferably with shaven heads and Kevlar vests, should do the trick. This will deter groups of terrorist who might attack your party "Benghazi style."

4. Hidden cameras. Set up the operations booth in the attic or the cellar. Every square inch of your house must be covered by surveillance. Yes, this includes the bathroom. If the ladies squawk, good grief, can't they understand that this isn't about seeing somebody's boobies, this is about saving lives!

5. Metal detectors. This is so obvious that it almost seems a joke. Nevertheless, in this day and age, there are still Super Bowl parties without metal detectors. It's a wonder anyone survives.

6. Drug-sniffing dogs. They're friendly to us, but terrorists fear them. Have one in every room, and don't be afraid to let old King growl at anybody who looks out of line. Keep some extra kibble on hand, so he won't feel compelled to sample the wings. But - no dogs on the couch! That's for guests!

7. Sniper behind the TV. If everybody is watching the game, the best vantage point to notice wandering evil eyes is directly behind the screen. Put your best crack shot above the TV, perhaps behind some potted plants, and he should be able to "put down" any terrorist before he - or she - can reach for the suicide vest. (Also, see 10)

8.  Turn off the TV. The last thing you want is everybody crowded into one room, huddled in front of an electronic device. It's an open invitation for terror. If everyone is bunched together, you better believe somebody is going to want to throw a bomb into the crowd. Best best: No TV whatsoever, no game. That way, people will stay properly dispersed throughout the house.

Nothing beats a terror-free Super Bowl party.  Coming this month, concrete barricades for your Oscar night bash!