10 things I would do if I found a Redsock World Series ring in a bar

A gracious Yankee fan returned it, spawning happy vibes across the information superhighway.

Me? I would:

1. Melt it down into a bullet, and then shoot Big Papi's steroid dealer.

2. Throw it into an active volcano, with a Dustin Pedroia bobblehead.

3. Use it to put a big scratch in John Lackey's car.

4. Break into the world Crackerjacks factory and toss it into the trinkets pile.

5. Place it on a severed human finger and send it to John Lester, saying this is what will happen if he re-signs with Boston.

6. Use it as a brass knuckle, when fighting homeless men for cash in Boston College fraternity parties.

7. Torture it with fire and ice.

8. Swallow it, and then post x-ray photos on the Sons of Sam Horn website.

9. Blast it with radiation, anthrax and Ebola virus, and then sell it on eBay for $1.

10. Wear it on my penis, and then seduce all 25 Redsock wives, humiliating each of them, when they eventually learn the nature of the metal object that rendered unto them such indescribable pleasure.