Yankees should say no to beheadings and to Headley

The Yankees should not be beheading players or be playing Headleys.

There you have it: By far, the most tasteless introductory pun in the history of this blog - proof that two seasons out of the playoffs can turn a Yankee fan insane.

O, but if only this were a delirium dream...

It's not. Jon Heyman at CBS says the Incompetent Empire might sign Chase Headley.

Dear God, do something. Send a message. Send a savior. Send an asteroid!

It's perfect. It's surreal. The Yankees would sign yet another former all-star, on the wrong side of 30, who can't fathom an over-shift, whose power numbers are plunging, whose B.A. is plummeting into the .220s, and whose presence guarantees a defense with at least one DH somewhere in the field. Wow. Pinch me!

If the Yankees sign Headley, 2015 could actually be worse than 2014. Imagine that.

After escaping San Diego, Headley hit .262 with 6 HR for the Yankees in 58 games, and compared to the strikeout/pop up/ground out machines who clogged the middle of the order, you'd think he was the Second Coming of Bye Bye Balboni. The YES men quickly dismissed Headley's .229 average over 77 games with the Padres, where he became known as an LOB machine. Once again, we glimpsed the Yankee front office hubris in full self-congratulatory glory: Look what we stole from those stupids in San Diego! Put pinstripes on him, and he'll be a star again! What crapola. Does anybody ever wonder how the team got into this sewer?

If the Yankees sign Headley, that means Martin Prado - whose greatest value is versatility - plays 2B all year, and both Rob Refsnyder and Jose Pirela - our best position prospects - either get traded or sent back to Scranton, disillusioned and distraught. There, they can hit .210 in April and gently slide off the grid, like so many other young Yankees. Remember when they cut Frankie Cervelli at the last minute of spring training three years ago, and it took him until July to raise his average to .250? (And by the way, turned himself into a fine player.) And how a devastated Austin Romine backpedaled all last year, after the Yankees made him a backup catcher at Triple A? These guys come in as prospects and go out as street people.

At a certain point, a guy who hits .300 at Scranton deserves a crack at the majors. He doesn't need a suit in NYC deciding from videos that he'll never make it. Pirela won the International League batting crown, for god's sake. The Yankees never even called him until late September, and then he impressed everybody. Where was he when Brian Roberts was dragging the team down like a cannonball? If they sign Headley, Pirela and Refsnyder disappear - and A-Rod and Carlos Beltran can be matching bookends at DH. Yes, the old two DH lineup! Always a winner.

The concern, of course, is that A-Rod - at 40 - may need to be a full-time DH. Well, I say, screw that. I'm all for forgiving Alex, but he's made his bed. He's making $25 million. He needs to play in the field. We can't carry another full time DH. And we can't sign somebody just to ease A-Rod's conscience.

I suppose there is some contract Headley could sign that would make him worth our while. A one-year deal, so he can salvage his career on the Gotham stage. Trouble is, I doubt that's where we're going. He'll want three years. And if he was bad in San Diego, trust me - yes, even me, sitting in sunny Syracuse with a channel changer in one hand and a loaded Luger in the other, the barrel perched in my mouth - trust me, give him three seasons, and he'll be just as bad in NYC. They always are.

What a strategy! Sign another old guy. Dear God, send an asteroid. No, wait. It's a beautiful day, let's catch two.