Twuz the night before Moncada, and all through the house, not one lone Nascar driver was beating his spouse...

The Redsocks were hung by the chimney, with luck,
Hoping Sandoval shows weighing less than a truck...

The Yankees were nestled with hope for the spring,
That Masahiro Tanaka wouldn't blow out his wing,

And Cash, to his A-Rod doll, took pins and stuck it,
When the royal Prince Hal raised a hand and yelled "FUCK IT!"

"Screw Didi, screw Gardner, screw Headley and Beltran,
"Ellsbury, Teixeira and that Brian McCann, man.

"Screw C.C., screw Didi, and screw Stephen Drew,
"And mostly, I say screw old A-(You Know Who!)

"We're the worst of the worst in the weak AL East,
"I say, let's cut our losses and pay out the least!"

Then a thought sprang from his medulla oblongata,
And he let go to Boston young Yoan Moncata.

And I heard Hal exclaim, it was almost a gloat,
"We might come in dead last, but I'll buy a new boat."