Congratulations to Jeff Pentland and Gary Tuck, winners of 2015 Yankee Scapegoats Award

In ceremonies along River Avenue's famed Canyon of Zeroes yesterday, team officials announced the prestigious "2015 Yankee Scapegoats Award," with two co-winners: Half-Batting Coach Jeff Pentland and Full Bullpen Coach Gary Tuck.

"We salute these two outstanding scapegoats, who are veritable whipping mules," said Hal I'm Not Cheap Steinbrenner to the huge assembly of reporters who follow Yankee trivia rather than the Mets-Cubs series, which nobody in NYC is bothering to watch. "Normally, we tar-and-feather only one mid-level lug nut per year, but this time, considering the collapse and woeful performance in the Wild Card, we have chosen two. It's been a great year for Yankee scapegoats."

Two years ago, some unheralded Yankee weight room janitor won the prize. Last year's recipient was then Yankee hitting coach Kevin Long, who went to the Mets and has never been seen again.

"We salute half-hitting coach Jeff Pentland for his half-failure in Yankee second half hitting," I"m Not Cheap told reporters. "We're saving the other half-coach for next year.

"Also, we salute Gary Tuck for his failure in the bullpen. He apparently wasn't yelling 'Come on, throw harder!' loud enough. These two are why the Yankees in September could not have gotten to first base with Lindsay Lohan. We hate to see them go, but Yankee scapegoats are part of the modern tradition.

"To Yankee fans everywhere, we say, 'Don't worry! Someday, we will have scapegoated all the low-level no-names that keep the franchise from winning, except for myself, Joe, Cash and the political oil can with the red clown hair, I think his name is Randy. Someday, we will get there. Until then, congratulations go out to these great scapegoats. Light the torches, everyone! It's another October with Yankee Stadium open for weddings, club events and special scapegoating occasions."