It's time for the world to hang a subversively phallic nickname on Aaron Judge

Frank Thomas was The Big Hurt. Hideki Matsui was Godzilla. Both would look like Tyrion Lannister compared to Aaron Judge, the biggest player with the biggest number (99, same as Charlie "King Kong" Keller, btw) in the biggest market on - well - only the fifth biggest planet in our solar system. (Way to go, Earth; you ruined my descriptive string.) 

Thus far in 2017, Judge has performed beyond our wettest dreams. If this run continues, he will soon become New York City's biggest star. Right now, he has six homers - (he was jobbed out of a seventh) - tied for third in baseball. He looks graceful in the field, shows a rifle arm and runs like a tight end. Best of all, in our increasingly tribal world, he gives the Yankees what we haven't had in years: The biggest fukkin guy on the field.

For the last decade, whenever we played Boston, they had the biggest guy - David Ortiz. Now, we do. (And don't dismiss this, because any player who has ever imagined a bench-clearing brawl sure doesn't. The Yankees never wanted to tussle with Big Papi, and when Dustin Pedroia gets a peak at Judge, he won't be starting any fights, either.) Nevertheless, Judge has not yet received the all-important nickname that he deserves. John Sterling already has tossed out at least three HR calls - "Here comes the Judge!" "He's the Judge and jury!" "It's Judgement Day!" - The Master is still working on this. But that critical nickname? Nothing. Judge went through the entire Yankee farm system without one. It's almost as if he's too big. 

Colossus? Gargantua? Goliath? Nope. Too small. The Titanic! (Nope, not that.) The Humongus? King Kong? (Obviously, been taken.) Gamera? Mothra. Sharknado? Uh-uh.

My best offer: CLOVERFIELD. 

It's modern, it's New York and, best of all, it has "field" in it.

But no, it doesn't work. And here's why...

Whatever evolves must have a discreetly phallic tone, because all sports nicknames are thinly veiled references to the size and professionalism of the male organ. We have discussed this in the past. There was The Stick, The Toy Cannon, Knobby, The Big Unit, The Penguin, Mister Marlin, Nail, Charlie Hustle, Vlad the Impaler and - of course - Pee Wee Reese. In some cases, the names suggest sexual problems: Sudden Sam McDowell. Mick the Quick Rivers. Rapid Robert Feller... Carl Stump Merrill. 

By the way, this rule covers the entire sports world: All jock nicknames center on sex. Nate Tiny Archibald. Elbert Ickey Woods. Adrian All Day Peterson (which is my personal fave: Who wouldn't want to be known to the ladies as "All Day?" as opposed to Peterson's sad opposite, "Two-Minute Tommy" Kramer.) Lester The Molester Hayes... Doc Blanchard, Mr. Inside... Jerome Kearse, The Freak. 

I consider myself the world's foremost expert on this matter, considering that in the 2009 book, The Final Four of Everything (Simon & Schuster), edited by Mark Reiter and Richard Sandomir, I contributed a 64-nickname bracketology for Sexually Inadequate Sports Nicknames. This covered everyone from Minnie Minoso to Heine Manush. In the end, I had Wee Willie Keeler battle Dennis The Worm Rodman for the all-time jock nickname involving sexual inadequacy. (If you go beyond sports - to everything known to humankind - the final battle would be between Dick Nixon and the comic book character, The Punisher.)

Listen: I am not suggesting that we call Aaron Judge "The Erection," or "Sequoia" or "Doctor Cucumber," or anything along those lines. But this nickname may be the most important thing that Yankee drunkards ever do. For now, I'm going with CLOVERFIELD, but I believe the combined wisdom of this gin-saturated web community will beat my creation. So what is it, folks? This is your chance to make a difference in world history. Let's come up with some names, and let's have a national IT IS HIGH poll. All we need is a moment of inspiration. Who's got it?