Oh, no! First place Baltimore? They're just too good. Let's forfeit the next three games and spare ourselves the pain

(Shhh. Don't say anything. Just nod. OK? We need a safe word... a secret mantra that, when whispered, stops the pain. I propose "Overbay." Whenever we say "Overbay," it means we've had enough negative juju. We take off the leather Lucha Libre mask, undo the thumbscrews, put down the spiked chain and go back to watching the game from behind the sofa, like regular civilians. Remember the word: "Overbay." But for now... shhh... the juju gods are watching us, and they can't read italics, haha...)

WELL, WELL... YOU HAVE BEEN A NAUGHTY LITTLE YANKEE FAN BASE! AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO NAUGHTY LITTLE YANKEE FANS? THEY MUST PLAY FAR SUPERIOR TEAMS... LIKE THE INCREDIBLE, SUPER-JUGGERNAUT O'S. 

THERE IS NO WAY WE CAN BEAT BALTIMORE THIS WEEKEND! Have you looked at their record? Fourteen and six? That's the best in the AL, second best in baseball! (After the Washington Gnats, temporary guardians of our future left fielder.) Have you seen that incredible O's lineup? Their top hitter, Jonathan Schoop, is batting .294! No, that's not a misprint. Two-ninety-four! And check out the other averages, if you dare. (By the way, I'm not making these up):

Davis: .264

Machado: .205

Hardy: .200

Trumbo: .190

Oh, dear! It's the 1927 Yankees, returning in the form of demonic, otherworldly Baltimorians. And their starting rotation is similarly terrifying.

They have two starters - Dylan Bundy (age 24) and Wade Miley (30) with solid ERAs, near or below 2.00. The other two - old reliable Ubaldo Jimenez (33) and the mysterious Kevin Gausman (26) have been getting torched. (Gausman's ERA is 7.50.) 

What they have is a lights out bullpen. Some 31-year-old RH doink named Brad Brach - (say that 10 times fast: Brad Brach, Bradbrack, Brabrack, Brabra, Barbra, Baba, Baahh) - has pitched in 11 games without giving up a run. And he has a lefty counterpart Donny Hart (26). He has thrown in 10 games - same deal, no runs.  

Tonight it's CC v. Gausman. Let's pray that the good and righteous CC shows up, and we get into their bullpen early and hard, because there are always un-hittable pitchers in April - (the song goes: "... riding high in April, shot down in May...") Remember Lee Guetterman! Remember Cecilio Guante! Remember Sheriff Cowley! All we need to do is keep putting the bat on the ball and not try to hit every - OMG! Oh, no, I thought it was Buck Showalter... but IT'S MISTER SLUGGO! He's going to saw off my arm. He's cutting me in two. Overbahhhh...