We can't win with Betances and Chapman walking to the ledge

Last night, leading 2-1 in the 8th, here's a surprise: Joe Girardi played it by the binders: He summoned his regular, all-world, assigned roles, one-two punch, Misters Eighth and Ninth - D. Betances and A. Chapman - to ice the game. 

In case you were bonelessly nestled into a $15.99 resin Adirondack chair with 10,000 carbos parading through your arteries like the Philadelphia Mummers, rendering you incapable of even twiddling a radio dial to find John and Suzyn, here is what you missed - along with the heart attack.

I say this not as a "game recap" - we at IIH consider ourselves to be Yankee Zen philosophers, far above the Chicklet-chewing middle schoolers to do "game recaps" - but as a warning: Until further notice, the ice remains too thin, and it's not safe to watch 8th and 9th innings, even with a big Yankee lead.

So, in the eighth...

Betances throws two balls to Jose Bautista, and everybody knows what's coming: The lead-off walk followed by two stolen bases - Betances' signature move. (In the 2029 Old Timers Day game, he'll walk Chase Headley, who will then steal second and third, to the fans' delight!) Somehow, I still can't explain it... Bautista strikes out swinging.

Then on a 7-pitch at bat, in a 3-2 count, Josh Donaldson walks on one of those knuckle curves that Betances throws off the plate. So, the tying run is now on first. Congratulations, juju gods.

While we're waiting for Donaldson to steal second and third, Betances runs the count to 3-0 on Justin Smoak. This includes a throw to first, trying to pick off Donaldson. By now, every Yankee fan in captivity is crawling out of his skin. Betances gets a called strike. Smoak fouls one off. Another foul - Donaldson running. Then a swinging strike on a 99 mph fastball, and Donaldson is thrown out, trying to steal. Thank you, juju gods. I'll take it, but please don't sign me up for another ride.

In the ninth, we have a five run lead, but - surprise, everyone - Joe sticks to the binders and brings in El Chapo. He can use the extra work, right?   First guy up, Kendrys Morales, booms a double to right. On a 2-2 count, Steve Pearce hits a bouncer back to Aroldis - one out. Kevin Pillar booms a double to left. Darwin Barney singles to right - 2 runs in, one out, and I'm wondering if we can call up Nick Rumbelow? Chapman uncorks a wild pitch. Troy Tulowitzki strikes out on a 1-2 count after two fouls, and Russel Martin lines out to third. If the ball isn't caught by Headley, Toronto is still batting.

This, my friends, is no way to close ballgames - even when, technically, it works. If anybody out there feels compelled to find a ray of hope in the final two innings of last night's win, good for you. What I see is two star pitchers who still can't be counted on with a five-run lead, and until that changes, a Flood Advisory remains in effect. Beware of rising creeks and rapidly moving water. If you can get to a resin chair, stay there. The loud banging sounds may not necessarily be fireworks. They might be the sounds of Toronto greeting our closers.