Before everything hits the fan, Yankees will try a roll of the dice at first base

"Who's on first?"
.
"Gee, man, I dunno."

"Wait... I thought I Dunno is hurt."

"Who?"

"I dunno."

"Gee, man, I dunno."

"That's right!"

Thanks to Brian Cashman's quick-as-a-tick phone reflexes, the Yanks tonight will face the Redsock '17 Hall of Fame Super Team of Destiny (TM) with a lefty-righty platoon of 26-year-old Triple A used-tire rims: Gi-Man Choi and the newly acquired Garrett Cooper, who came in a flea market deal yesterday for LH reliever Tyler Webb. 

This duo will hope to heal the open sore at first base, where 24-year-old Greg Bird is currently calving new ice shelves in Antarctica, applying cold to his injured lower paw. This assumes that Cooper will be added to the 25-man roster today; as of this morning, he's still a Scrantonian, which makes no sense. Good grief, after trading for a band-aid, the first thing you do is put it on. Let's hope the Coopster - a dead pull hitter - enjoys a Green Monster, new-to-the-league bounce, beginning tonight. Stranger things have happened. Remember Jason Maas? 

So who the hell is Garrett Cooper? As usual, I've spared no expense to bring you these IT IS HIGH Tidbits of Knowlege (IIH-TOK).

1. The guy will look good coming off the bus. He's 6'6" and 230. Between Coop and Choi, who also never misses a chow wagon, we should batter Boston's clubhouse buffet, even if we don't hit their pitchers.

2. The guy was killing Triple A.  Coop was leading the Pacific Coast League in hitting (.366), second in RBIs (82) and 14th in homers (17). Keep in mind, it's a bandbox league. Remember Will Middlebrooks? He has 18 HRs. Remember Ivan De Jesus Jr? (Hint: He's now 30.) He's second in hitting. Cooper played for the Colorado Springs Sky Sox - (Google: rarefied air effect on baseball flight) - have a team batting average of .289 - and it's the fourth highest in the league. Yeesh. They must need bottled oxygen. The league's best team ERA is in that West Coast town of Nashville, with 3.36. Seven team ERAs are over 5.00. Last year's PCL leading hitter was 26-year-old Alex Dickerson of the Padres. The year before, it was 30-year-old Danny Dorn. You get the picture? Danny Dorn.

(Note: Last year, Gi-Man hit .346 in the PCL. Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to follow minor league hitters in that league? They're all batting .400, and then they come up and hit .170? At least Scranton is a notorious pitchers' park, so if a Clint Frazier is hitting .260 in Moosic, you can almost expect a boost from moving to NYC.) 

3. The guy was hot. Cooper just recently was named PCL Player of the Week, hitting .500 with 2 HRs and 11 RBIs between July 3-9. Yep, the Second Coming of Danny Dorn.

4. The guy was blocked. Why would Milwaukee the league leading reigning Player of the Week for Webb, a Rule 5 reject who was hanging in the Yankee pen - which is a Disaster Zone? For starters, they have 27-year-old Jesus Aguilar playing 1B, and he's hitting .294 with 9 HRs. Also, like most teams in baseball, they can always use another lefty. We now only have the roller coaster ride known as Chasen Shreve and - of course - El Chapo. 

5. The guy was a Christmas baby. 'Nuff said.

Whenever I hear of a nothing-for-nothing deal, I trigger the memory of another Tyler that Cashman dealt - the current pariah, Tyler Clippard, who went for the winter phenom known as Jonathan "Jessica" Albaladejo. That's my P.T.S.D. predilection for remembering bad trades. The truth is, Cashman wins a few and loses a few, and who cares? This would be a neat parlor trick if Cooper hits a few off the Monster this weekend against mighty Boston - who will use three lefties - Pomeranz, Sale and Price - in four games. Together, they would likely make mincemeat of the Gi-Man. Cooper is a roll of the dice. I'll take it.

We're running on fumes. If we lose - say - three out of four, the Yankees will fall 5.5 games behind Boston and probably kiss goodbye the 2017 AL East race. We could be looking up at Tampa and playing for the one-game wild card. The ice sheets are calving. It's time to use the kitchen sink. That includes Garrett Cooper, or G-Man, or the Bird, or No Maas, or whoever's on first.