Calling America: The Yankee alt-Left needs help

This season, our alt-Right has dominated - basically because if you add a 40-homer RH slugger and a 30-homer RH catcher, you could win the NL East with the cast of Gilmore Girls. 

But without the mysterious Greg Bird - the mayor of March - our alt-left lineup simply never got its act together.  

Let's say we were to play in - oh, here's a wild possibility - a one game wild card! 

Assuming each team would send its ace to the mound - (it's possible they won't have that option) - here are the likely pitchers we'll face:

Angels: RH Parker Birdwell (7-1, 2.88)
Royals: LH Jason Vargas (14-6, 3.45)
Twins: RH Ervin Santana (12-8, 3.28)
Rangers: LH Cole Hammels (8-1, 3.48)
Rays: RH Alex Cobb (9-8, 3.80 or RH Chris Archer, 8-7, 3.84)
Orioles: RH Dylan Bundy, (12-8, 4.17)
Bleu Jays: RH Marcus Stroman (screw the stats, forget it; we're done.)

Five of the seven are RH. 

This is bad.

If they throw a LH starter at us, we can send the Yankee alt-Right, which looks like this:

c Sanchez
1b Tyler Austin, [D.B.] Cooper, Chase Headley, (who skews leftward), Todd Frazier 
2b Starlin Castro (healthy)
ss  Ronald Torreyes (but forget it, we'd never bench Didi)
3b T. Frazier? Headley? Torreyes?
lf  Clint Frazier (healthy and hitting!) 
cf Aaron Hicks
rf Aaron Judge  
dh Matt Holliday? 

Here's the Yankee alt-Left (facing a righty)

c Sanchez 
1b Greg Bird? (fingers crossed) Headley, Gi-Man Choi?
2b Tyler Wade (forget it; he's been awful)
ss Didi
3b Headley, Wade (see above.)
lf Hicks
cf Gardy or Ellsbury (don't laugh, he's starting to hit)
rf Judge
dh Gardy or Ellsbury (oh, go on, laugh) Holliday.

Trouble spots: Our sluggers bat RH. Unless Greg Bird returns with an impact, we will be particularly susceptible to a right-handed starter.

Which is why we better win the Division.