Here's looking at Yu, kid: Excuse me, but the Darvish rumors make no sense

Lately, there's been a faint Twitter buzz about the Yankees "looking at" Yu Darvish, a move we must heartily endorse. In this crazy, madcap thrill ride called "life," Cooperstown Cashman should look at many things - sunsets, rose gardens, pretty girls, cleaning fluid labels - and a sputtering 32-year-old starter is no different. Surely, our future Hall of Fame GM is eyeballing Darvish, unafraid that the act might turn him into salt.

Good grief, right now I'm looking out at sideways-blowing snow so thick it's like peering into a glass of skim milk. That doesn't mean I'll offer it a seven-year deal. And seriously, can any of us imagine the Yankees doing the same with Darvish? Three reasons.

1. The salary cap. Let's dispense with the phrase "luxury tax threshold," and call it by name: A concrete ceiling on team payrolls as firm as anything Bud Selig fantasized in his wettest dreams of Ruby Keeler. We've seen many numbers. They're like buckshot on a barn wall, scattered all over the place. But here's the deal: Unless Cash finds someone to inhale Jacoby Ellsbury's contract, the Yankees can't afford a big free agent without nearly busting the $197 salary cap and missing out next year on Bryce/Machado. Once spring training starts, and players tweak their gonads, we might find a taker for Ellsbury. But Darvish will be long gone. It's a weird system, and it's owners' collusion, just like with Jack Morris in the 1980s, and maybe someday, the Players Association will show a pair and sue in federal court. But for now, the union is Flounder - "fat, drunk and stupid," according to Dean Wormer - while the owners bank more profits than ever before. 

2. Darvish. He's coming off the worst ERA since his 2012 rookie splash, after returning from Tommy John surgery. He was traded last summer when Texas pulled the plug on its season - prematurely, it turned out - and then was lit up in the World Series so brutally that his people now say he was tipping pitches. Wait a minute: How does a veteran pitcher, in the most important outings of his career, tip his pitches? If it's true, let's give the Nobel Prize for Scheming to the Astros scouting department, because it's a subterfuge that rivals the Allies' phantom boat fleet at Dunkirk. Darvish will want at least a five-year deal. Somebody will give him one. The cheapskate Yankees? Come on... 

3. Apparently, pitching is not our first need. The latest buzz says Cooperstown wants one or two veteran infielders, so the Yankees can open the season with 2B Glyber Torres and 3B Miguel Andujar back in the mines of Scranton. That will screw the rookies out of MLB service time, knocking back their future arbitration rights. Every team does this, though the Yankees are relatively new to poor-mouthing. We'll probably sign a Tony Womack - a veteran who'll disappear as soon as the kids are ready. (In Womack's case, it was holding 2B until Joggy Cano arrived.) In a perfect world, Cash would find the next incarnation of Freddy Garcia/Bartolo Colon, a duo as formidable as the team-up of Omar and Brother Mouzone in second season of The Wire. Now those guys cleaned house.

Listen: Anything can happen. Who among us predicted Giancarlo Stanton? But Darvish makes no sense, aside from the fact that it's always fun to look.