...on this Team of Destiny is something dear to the heart of Old (Dead) George.
That is, motivational coaches.
Oh, I'm sure we have some, hidden away in the clubhouse at Jabari Blash's old locker.
But I mean, MOTIVATIONAL COACHES. As in RUSSIAN MOTIVATIONAL COACHES.
C'mon, as Tony Soprano would testify, your average Russky today is much tougher even than a member of a Jersey mob family. These people have reduced themselves to a diet of roots, berries, and vodka, and they are still twisting our entire political system around their collective little finger.
So who should it be?
Well, who else but those two, teenaged Siberian tigers last seen prowling around the skating rink in Pyongcheang, Alina Zagitova and Evgenia Medvedeva?
Anybody else catch Zag and The Med during their gold medal competition? While the American skaters were flopping around the ice like so many harpooned walruses, these two were stalking around backstage looking as if they could shove their way through Tom Brady's offensive line and rip his throat out, even in their 80-pound frames. And on their skates. Waiting for scores in the "Kiss & Cry" section, there were no tears and precious little kissing. All the Big Z and EM the Assassin did was shoot daggers at anyone in the general vicinity.
Forget Russell Wilson, an altogether too-nice Super Bowl quarterback, setting an example. The Russian figure skaters are exactly what this Yankees team needs to take it over the top. I don't doubt they would resort to beating and floggings, if words did not suffice. Bring in the Killer Russian Skate Babes! George would approve.
Meanwhile, our Paper of Record apparently did not feel that Red Thunder concussing himself or half the New York Mets reverting to the DL with paper cuts was worthy of coverage.
No soccer, either, meaning that our year-long score remains Soccer 27, Yankees 15—not 14, as the sidebar has it now. I would change it myself, but I'm still new to this whole thing, what with the googling and the posting and the interneting and HEY, LADY!
I'd like to see them do small "motivational groups," where they get into a semi-circle and have Mariano facing them, maybe groups of 5 at a time. He would just stare at each of them in the eyes for long periods of time, not saying a word, until they felt uncomfortable enough to begin to try to utter something. At that point, Guidry could slap the offender in the back of the head with a small broom. Then, the staring would continue. You might think this is a useless technique. Others might find it controversial. I can attest to its effectiveness, though.
ReplyDeleteBarring that, there is always the old standby of locking them into an ice cream truck and piping in the "Pop Goes the Weasel" riff that they play - over and over and over - until they lose their minds. At that point, they become malleable and we beam in a hologram of Yogi Berra, uttering things that appear to make no sense, but which we know to contain secret Yankee codes that become imprinted on their now-impressionable brains.
I have more big ideas If you send just $2 to the address below, you can get my complete motivational regimen, along with a special power ring and a bag of dog treats. Act now.
These are all great ideas!
ReplyDeleteI interviewed Guidry once. He spoke in a very gentlemanly, Southern-Cajun way: "You will have to excuse me, but I must talk to a gentleman about purchasing a vehicle now."
Seemed like a good guy. I like the broom, though.
Anthony Scaramuchi is available for motivational seminars.
ReplyDeleteI love Gator. Love, love, love Gator. He was a big deal to me when I was a much younger man. The Mooch, on the other hand...
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