Fifty Years from Now

In his excellent post, "Fifty Years Ago", HoraceClarke66 posed the following thought-provoking question:

What will the game be fifty years from now?

I have a few work tasks that desperately need to be completed this afternoon so I thought HC's question offered an excellent opportunity to ignore them.

What will the game be like in 2068?

1. Every inning will begin with a runner on second base.  This player will be selected from a cadre of six "Designated Runners" available to both teams.  The Major League Designated Runners Union (MLDRU) will be more powerful than the Major League Umpire's Union (WUA).
    
   
   
   
2. In an attempt to cut down on rampant sign stealing, players, managers, and coaches will be tested for implanted microchips before every game.  Bionic devices that shrink a players' strike zone by artificially elevating his kneecaps and lowering his nipples will also be prohibited.  Jose Canseco will cite both bans as further evidence that the league discriminates against Latin players.  Ted Williams' recently unfrozen head will open its mouth and vehemently disagree.
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. Players will have difficulty finding the bases 
   
   when Tide sponsors the game because the orange Tide advertisements plastered all over the bags will blend in with the infield dirt.  A few old coots watching the game will wail "When I was young, we used to EAT those Tide pods. Now these good-fer-nothin' young'uns can't even see 'em."  Younger fans will forgive these oldsters, who have clearly lost their pod-eating minds, if they ever had them.
   
   
4. Now that fans can attach in-seat catheters and no longer need to visit the restrooms, the owners will propose eliminating the quaint but archaic Seventh Inning Stretch" in order to speed up the games, which now average 7.2 hours in duration.  The Yankees will protest because they won't be able to figure out when to play Kate Smith's recording of God Bless America.  In a gesture of support for cherished traditions, fans will rip out their catheters and go to the restrooms.  The federal government's mind-reading software, however, will scan the fans' brains and determine they just didn't want to hear Kate Smith anymore. Septuasexual fans will protest because there are no restrooms that meet their needs.
   
   
5. Camden Yards will be a fine stadium.  Wrigley Field will be a fine stadium.  Yankee Stadium will continue to be Mall of America.
   
   
   
   
   
6. Hal Steinbrenner will be 99 years old on Opening Day.  His team payroll will be under the then current salary cap, ahem, sorry!, luxury threshold, but Hal will not smile.
   
   
7. A-Rod will be romantically linked to North West's 23-year old daughter, Jeri.  Jeri West will be seen in the owner's box at Super Bowl C-III feeding A-Rod nuggets of non-GMO, 3D-printed, creamed corn.
   
   
8. Carl Pavano will be unable to participate in the 2068
   
   
   Old Timer's Day game due to injury.  Doctors will initially make a diagnosis of "bruised ovaries" but, when Randy Levine, Yankee Team Historian, recalls that Pavano's ovaries were removed in 2007 following the 11th and final inning he pitched that season, doctors will sheepishly conclude that it's a simple case of "bruised buttocks".
   
   
9. John Sterling will wear a black armband to mourn the recent passing of his compañera, Suzyn Waldman.  Fans will marvel as he recalls the lyrics from obscure show-tunes first recorded in 2032.
   
   
10. Red Sox fans will be insufferable assholes.

Play ball.