In shocker, Yanks announce that best player this spring will make team

Yank hitters this spring with large sample size (more than 35 at bats.) 

Wow! Who expected this? Yesterday, Yankee Interim Manager Aaron "Boonie" Boone announced that Tyler Wade - the team's best hitter thus far in 2018 - will make the 25-man opening day roster! He's the 25th man, a slot that offers the job security of a Trump White House adviser, and it could mean the end of Ronald Torreyes' heroic Yankee run, as soon as Iron Man Ellsbury heals (ETA: 2023.)

The announcement, of course, comes with caveats. For example, the designation would be voided, and Wade instantly tele-ported to the mudflats of Moosic, if and when:

1. At any time over the next 10 days, some tired, salary-bloated, thirty-something lug nut is dumped made available by another team, giving the Yankees an opportunity to fill their entire roster with members of the 2013 all-star team. In particular, I'm thinking of Koji Uehara or Tanner Scheppers, who were on the cusp of the final fan vote competition, or maybe "Earnest" Everth Cabrera, the great Padre rep that year. The determining factor will be that said player receives a great deal of money, most of which the Yankees will not have to pay.

2. Wade doesn't crap a billiard running out a triple or proving himself as the team's lone base-stealing threat. (Sorry, Gardy, but it needs to be said.) Since the days of Christian Parker, a grand Yankee tradition - along with the awarding of that outmoded watch - is that the most hustling, up-an-comer in camp always gets hurt, or is found to have been playing while hurt and hiding it, in the final days of grapefruit. 

3. Wade boots an easy infield grounder, prompting an anonymous, diapered Yankee scout to set down his gin glass and declare a problem with "footwork," of which the Yankees find more problems than the entire national chain of Arthur Murray Dance Studios. Once a scout sees footwork issues, said player disappears, no questions asked, like a reality star voted off the island.

Congratulations to Tyler Wade, the official "2018 Baby Bomber." On any other team, in similar circumstances, he would be the starting second-baseman. As it is, public declarations be damned, let's keep fingers crossed that he's still here on April 1.