[RANDY to corporate board room filled with executives]: Gentlemen, we now own Omega Corp and all its - well - secrets.
*
[HOMELESS MAN to CASH in alley]: You don't know, do you? You just don't know...
*
[GENNIFER opens door, gasps]: But... but... you're DEAD! I SAW THEM KILL YOU...!
Cue opening theme...
It's only a TV show. It's only a TV show. Keep repeating...
Jacoby Ellsbury visited the Yankee clubhouse in Tampa last night and told reporters he's almost ready to start his new life as an extra in The Walking Dead. He will rehab the plague of tweaks, sprains and viral infections that have made him, well, Jacoby fucking Ellsbury. He's back. The ocean liner sank; he swam ashore. The plane crashed; he landed in a tree. Like a ghost from Hell, he's come back to demand his rightful position in the Yankee pantheon.
Let's figure that he'll start active play in two weeks. He'll play in Florida against the high-schoolers, then accept a 20-day rehab assignment with Trenton or Scranton. The clock will be ticking. By Aug. 1, he could be rattling his chains on the front stoop. On Sept. 11, he'll turn 35.
Listen: He'll probably poop his liver while swinging on the on-deck circle. But if Ellsbury does return, or even looks close to returning, it will ratchet up pressure on Cashman to trade Clint Frazier or Billy McKinney for a rag arm pitcher.
Two things:
1. Nobody will take Ellsbury in a trade. So, forget that.
2. In his 11 seasons, he's never once played first base, in case you were starting to worry about Greg Bird.
Imagine: Entering the dog days of July and August, with a freight train of rained outs to be replayed, we have a career .284 hitter ready to return... and it could set up a crisis. We thought he was dead. But on TV, nobody ever dies.
Alive? Truly alive? What dark unspeakable juju had reanimated his corpse?
ReplyDeleteIf the O's would trade with the Yanks, they would dangle Chris Davis for Ellsbury and I'm sure we'd go for it! 2013 Chris Davis was such a stud and we can surely turn the clock back on him to get that 6.5 WAR output again. A total improvement over a wounded Bird, right? And he has two extra years over the Ellsbury contract and at a higher annual salary too! What a steal and such an asset he'd be for our team!
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, we all know he done us a favor by being injured and not playing. If only he could Prince Fielder it, that would be wonderful! Maybe he'll do us all another favor and do a Hanley Ramirez. Who knows what it is that he has actually done but the Red Sox obviously knew about it (I won't be convinced otherwise) and his forced release is surely benefiting the Sucks more than it's hurting.
ReplyDeleteJeeeez. Just bite the bullet and release him. Admit your mistakes. Give Frazier a chance!
I hate horror movies.
ReplyDeleteHorror movies? Like the Stump Merrill era? Uurrrg ... I hate movies like that too.
ReplyDeleteTWW,
ReplyDeleteAdd the late 60's and early 70's which I would refer to as the Hoss Clarke era, with apologies to a certain poster here.
I just assumed this whole time that Ellsy was just kicking back with the fam and faux rehabbing, which I wouldn't blame him for since nobody nobody NOBODY wants him back on the field,,,, I see him as more Mr. Breakable than American Idle. My prediction is he arrives just in time to be a back up in the playoffs, then has one heroic moment that eclipses all of this, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOr not.
None taken, Rufus T. Although, just as the trouble with the A-Rod era wasn't really A-Rod, the trouble with the Horace Clarke years wasn't really Hoss.
ReplyDeleteDuque, I loved "poop his liver"! Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteIf we—or, more likely, Ellsbury himself—can just stall his return until the rosters expand in September...hey, you never know when you need a guy who can on base via catcher's interference almost at will.
Joe,
ReplyDeleteI'm no Mike Axisa (and really who is?) but there's more to it than meets the eye. They can't release Els because that's a 100% loss. They have insurance. As long as Els rehabs and hopefully keeps failing they get back a % of his salary. That's millions in real money.
It doesn't help the luxury tax but it does ensure that George Stienbrenner the 8th will attend the best private school on the rich person's space ark in 2315.
There is something the Yankees can do to ameliorate the threat of his return. Just when he feels ready to rejoin the team have the physical therapist say things like,
"Bet you can't bench press 400 lbs you wimp."
Or,
"To clear you fully for playing time you need to play back to back to back to back to back to back to back games... on a military outpost in Guam."
and then hope for the best.
Doug K.
Love it, Doug K.!
ReplyDeleteOther possibilities:
"Time for flyballs hit to the wall drills!"
"Let's work on stopping and starting abruptly."
"Let's make sure you can really duck those inside pitches."
Hoss,
ReplyDeleteFunny! All three of them.
Doug K.
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