A recent interview with the good doctor
revealed the following therapy:
1. Jesus will go on a diet.
2. Correction; Jesus has been on a diet.
3. No more snacking between innings and no more ice cream sandwiches or oreos. Ever.
4. Several new gloves have been commissioned, all of which feature " fine corinthean leather." which assures absorbency and flex.
5. Jesus will then enter as the DH for a few games, preceded by extensive " soft tossing."
6. A vegan diet will be affixed to each wrist band, for easy reference.
7. Tofu will be in his locker, replacing his personal, aerodynamically designed freezer unit.
8. The word "hustle," printed and displayed above the door in
his apartment complex unit, will replace his magazine collection of a similar name.
9. Each day, before and after exiting, Jesus will slap his hand on that word. This will require elevating the body at least one inch. No new sneakers will be provided to him.
10. When 40 pounds have been eliminated from his frame, Jesus will take up duty as the RR's catcher.
11. The Dr. will speak with Jesus each day and review his performance and progress. These conversations will be designed to bring out the inner Ying and replace it with an outer Yang.
12. His in-room entertainment will be limited to watching re-runs of Johnny Bench's career.
12. If Gary does not hit well or catch well, he will be paddled with a cricket bat while restrained in front of a barrel of fresh donuts.
13. Progress alerts will be sent by instagram to Brian Cashman, in the form of flash photography and messaging.
14. Physicals will be conducted with pineapples, in order to convey the anguish of hopeful fans.
The good doctor happens to be a Mets fan.
well, he does indeed look a little slimmer in those work out videos that were released. maybe his father dished out some tough love. I known mine would have...
ReplyDeleteGary's father: "Son, they were just ice cream sandwiches. Stop crying! Mr Cashman said I had to throw them all out!"
ReplyDelete"Yes, all of them!"
"No, I didn't hide any!"
"And, yes, I deactivated your PeaPod account."
"Of course your mother am I still love you!"
"You're having a tantrum, Gary! Stop it! You know that never works on us!"
"NO!! That's not how this works! I am not taking you to Carvel!"
"No! Not Baskin-Robbins either!"
I like to joke about Cashman being a first ballot International League HOF-er, but there's no arguing against it. Scranton has been a juggernaut under his watchful eye. And this year, just as it seems the IL playoffs may elude Scranton (they're a game back of WC leader) here comes Sanchez, who has been terrorizing the league for four years. If Scranton makes the playoffs this year, they're going to have to put a statue of Cashman in front of the stadium.
ReplyDeleteWhen the bar of success is set, Cashman's plaque will be high on the wall of every Scranton bathroom.
ReplyDeleteAlphonso, I can't stop laughing over that. I also love the doctor.
ReplyDeleteAs for #10, we've been promised up the ying yang that Gary would turn things around.
ReplyDeleteBlah blah blah. Calling the dude fat is lazy writing and lazy critique. The analysis equivalent of him not chasing after that ball down the third baseline. I expect more from this site. Alphonso, you're always on point, this one's just a bummer.
ReplyDeleteOh boo-fucking-hoo, JJ.
ReplyDeleteSorry, JJ, I think Fonz's post is a winner, not a bummer.
ReplyDeleteWarblist, all I can say is, if anybody EVER tries to take my Baskin & Robbins "Gold Medal Ribbon" away from me, why, I'd explode - - and splatter all over 'em!!
IL HOF is definitely where Cash-Puss should be ensconced - - yesterday, if not sooner. LB (No J)
Anyone else notice The Master's voice sounds like he's under the weather? He truly is a Warrior of the Sunoco Broadcast Booth. Hopefully he will not land on the DL.
ReplyDeleteHopefully he can keep his streak going. Makes Cal Riptken look like a piker.
ReplyDeleteIs that Dr. Frankensteen? He could have constructed tonight's game.
ReplyDeleteYeah, the injuries caught up to them tonight, against a hot pitcher.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know there have been a bunch of injuries. But it's still disgraceful that this is the team we put on the field.
Really, this was the best that Coops could come up with? Shane Robinson, Mr. .156, making a key error in the outfield? What the #!& has Ryan McBroom done to Cashman? Another start for Neil Walker, who I think is now something like 0-15 since being proclaimed the Savior of the Yankees by the Times?
Meanwhile, Gardner is now down to .239 and Stanton definitely looks gassed. If this idiot doesn't bring everybody he can up on Sept. 1...
Can someone please 'splain to me WHY THE FUCK Swiss family Robinson is in a major league lineup. As much as the"vaunted" Yankee farm system is talked about surely there is SOMEONE who can hit better than .100 or whatever he's batting. And "walkie" (horrible name for players weeken) in the outfield is a disaster not "waiting to happen" but PRESENTLY happening
ReplyDeleteHiggy behind home plate, Voit (despite recent heroics) at first, Walker at second, Robinson in the outfield...with lineups like these, the Yanks are playing teams such as the White Sox pretty even. Only the pitching really makes a difference, and when the match-up is some hot young kid for them, against Tanaka followed by Kahnle and Cole for us...
ReplyDelete
ReplyDelete2-part solution:
1. Send the whole team out for rehab assignments.
2. Don't bring the above-named folks back.
That was a pathetic excuse for a major league game.
ReplyDeleteI hear the Hawaiian Little League kids haven't been signed yet.
Must be great, huh? As a fan you sign on for these games many months before...only to find that, thanks to Coops' many shenanigans, you don't get to see a major-league game.
ReplyDeleteThat is, of course, always the risk with sports. Which is why sports ticket prices are especially ridiculous.
GREAT DOCTOR, ALPHONSO!
ReplyDeleteLOL!!!
ReplyDeleteI really want the world to know about this great man who brought back happiness into my life again after my husband left me and the kids 3 years ago for another women online when i contacted Dr Believe he cast a love spell for me within 48 hours my ex husband start calling me and begging for forgiveness for everything that have happened between us. I was so happy to have my family back together with love again here is the email of Dr Believe via believelovespelltemple@gmail.com a man with the great powers you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348156148821
God bless you
I am very grateful for your help in my marriage.