Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Dear Mr. Steinbrenner: It's time to make it rain

Dear Hal,

Remember the scene in JAWS where Roy Schieder catches his first glimpse of the great white shark, and starts yelling, "We need a bigger boat! We need a bigger boat!" That's us. That's the Yankees. Last year, we went toe-to-toe with the monster and were devoured. 

We need a bigger boat.

We need the long dormant Yankee God of Unchecked Exorbitance to reawaken, to darken skies across the AL East and spew a molten rain of gold from the wildfires of California to the flooded cities of Florida. We need to make a statement: The Yankees are alive. 

We need to buy Manny Machado, Bryce Harper, Dallas Keuchel and Zach Britton. Make no mistake: We need all four. All. Four. Now.

We do this, we win. Understand? It's that simple. Sign them, we win.

You have the money. Don't you dare poor-mouth us. You can make this happen on a cocktail napkin. You have the money. You have the brand name. You have a team that players want to join in a city where they want to play. Sign them, and you will be guaranteed 300 tabloid back pages next year. Sign them - Machado, Harper, Keuchel and Britton - and you won't be held for ransom at the August 1 trade deadline. Sign them, and instead of desperately draining the farm system in mid-July - once again - you will rebuild the Yankees from the ground up, as you have often claimed is your goal. 

Listen: One or two could be a dud. But all they cost is money. You have the money! What you don't have is a farm system. We cannot trade our way to the 2019 World Series, or to a team of multiple championships. 

Show us that you've simply been playing possum, pretending to stay cheap. Spend the money. You'll recoup everything with higher YES Network ratings. You will own New York. You will dominate the game of baseball. You will make the Yankees once again the team to beat. If you spend the money, you cannot lose. 

Machado. Harper. Keuchel. Britton. 

Spend the money. We need a bigger boat.

8 comments:

  1. You know what the truth really is, Duquet. Al is a cheap, misguided piece of shit with daddy issues. I am driving through the Everglades now and I am rapidly approaching the Halgosuckee Rest Area.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am dictating this from a swamp, so please excuse my fucking typos.

    ReplyDelete
  3. yeah, and get that Ottavino character, too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. 13 bit.......Better to be driving through the Everglades than walking through them.

    Stay away from chewing tobacco.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hear, hear, Duque! Right on the mark, as usual.

    We don't pay all this money, for everything, to have our team cheapen out.

    Speaking of tabloid cover,s incidentally, it's very revealing to see how many NY teams basically don't even try to compete for the public's attention. The Nets—a team that's been around for some 50 years now, got, what? Half a cover? The Rangers, a team closing in on its 100th anniversary, with a small but utterly fanatical following, got 1??? Nothing for the Islanders or Devils?

    This is ridiculous. Team after team in the big town now simply mails it in, hoping to be sustained by the socialist systems these sports run on. Enough! NYC fans all over should start demanding we throw the bums out! We should start inviting other franchises to the metropolitan area, and doing everything we can to make the current clowns move on.

    ("Oh, that's your 500th garbage violation this month, Mr. Dolan? Well, maybe you should work better at keeping the streets clean around your building. Now, about these structural issues we've discovered with your Garden...")

    GET BETTER OR GET GONE!

    (Just trying out rallying cries for 2019.)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Listen, comrades. I know this is painful to hear, but I'll keep repeating it:

    BRIAN IS A DOPE AND HAL DOESN'T CARE
    BRIAN IS A DOPE AND HAL DOESN'T CARE
    BRIAN IS A DOPE AND HAL DOESN'T CARE
    BRIAN IS A DOPE AND HAL DOESN'T CARE
    BRIAN IS A DOPE AND HAL DOESN'T CARE
    BRIAN IS A DOPE AND HAL DOESN'T CARE
    BRIAN IS A DOPE AND HAL DOESN'T CARE
    BRIAN IS A DOPE AND HAL DOESN'T CARE
    BRIAN IS A DOPE AND HAL DOESN'T CARE
    BRIAN IS A DOPE AND HAL DOESN'T CARE

    ReplyDelete

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    ReplyDelete

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