Holy crap: A cheapo Tulo! WTF? Should we post the tsunami warning?

A great philosopher once said, You can't predict baseball, Suzyn. And once again, Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman has proven that all Yankee trade speculation is pointless: Within the boundless chaos of this eternal Yankiverse, let us know the one sacred truth: 

Our only certainty is uncertainty.  

By now, you probably know the Yankees late yesterday rescued 34-year-old Troy Tulowitzski from the scrap heap, signing him to a one-year deal for a meager $550,000, the MLB equivalent of a trip to McDonalds. Like everything these days about the Yankees, it's almost impossible to assign meaning to the move.

Does it signal the front office has secretly moved on from Manny Machado, that Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner intends to go cheap on spending, and continue to read menus from right to left? Or is this merely a one-off, low-budget wager, a Neil Walker replacement at a factory outlet price? 

We spent the holidays waiting on Machado, thinking that nothing would happen until he decides his future. Suddenly, kaboom - Tulowitzki lands like a rock from outer space that NASA never even tracked. A tsunami warning is now in effect.

Truth be told, we cannot process the implications of this deal until the winter has ended. But there are factoids to ponder:

1. Tulo didn't play a down in 2018, and he hasn't been worth a plumber's fart since 2016 - three seasons out - when he dinged 24 HRs for Toronto (back when Toronto was actually good.) Tulo is five years removed from his glory days in the hitter haven of Colorado, when he seemed to put up future Hall of Fame numbers. Last time he played regularly - 2017 - he hit .249 over 66 games, and he covered shortstop like a statue of Martha Raye.

2. If this deal should remind us of anything, it should summon up recollections of Vernon Wells, Kevin Youkilis and Alfonso Soriano - desperate former stars seeking magical comebacks in the NYC limelight. It's hard to imagine Cashman attempting to balance 2019 on Tulo's aging limbs. Think of it this way: We just signed the Blue Jays' version of Jacoby Ellsbury. So how much significance should we give this?

3. Interest in Tulo stems from a recent public tryout, where he ran the bases, took some grounders and hit in front of scouts. (Next comes the stool sample.) But the audition raised one tricky point: Tulowitzki made it clear that he wants to start at one position for his next team. Apparently, Cashman must have signaled that, yes, Tulowitzki would get a shot at SS, at least until Didi Gregorius returns in July-August (and let's face it, Didi will face a tough road back, having missed spring training.) So, did the Yankees promise Tulo a crack at SS? And if so... well, I speak for the Yankiverse in saying, OMFG!

Does this mean Manny Machado is not coming... and that he was never really in the mix? Apparently, Philadelphia and the White Sox have offered more money, and even if he prefers NYC, he'll take the cash, thank you. Who can blame him? 

Does it mean "Halligator Arms" Hal plans to be a nice, polite, thrifty, small market owner and not overpay the help? Will the Yankees pass on Machado and Bryce Harper - let the Redsocks once again outspend them by $30 million - and squeeze each dime until FDR squeals in pain from his wheelchair?   

Is Tulo simply a cheap night out that fell into their laps? Or are they pinching pennies on all big free agents? 

And what if - say, tomorrow - Machado says he wants to play for the Yankees? Does Tulo mean that Miguel Andujar will be traded? Jeeze. A cheap, $550,000 rock just fell out of the sky and pardon me, if I'm heading to higher ground until the floors stop shaking. Does anyone have a bucket of ice-water? I need to soak my head for a while.