No to Manny, yes to luxury taxes; what LeMahieu means to an angry Yankiverse

Actually, Suzyn, you can predict baseball...

You can predict when Aaron Boone will remove his starting pitcher: One batter too late. You can project when Jacoby Ellsbury will return: When something freezes over. What you cannot predict, Suzyn, is Brian Cashman. And yesterday, once again, the Cooperstown-bound, future Hall of Famer defied a tsunami of Gammonitic prognostications and signed... drum roll, please... David John "DJ" LeMahieu, a player most Yankee fans had previously never heard of, much less discussed.

LeMahieu had been making $8.5 million a year in Denver, Colorado, which apparently has a baseball franchise. He'll earn $24 million over the next two in NYC. Fun facts: He has played in two all-star games and, statistically, through age 29, he translates into - gulp - Brian Roberts. He's the former Mr. Oriole, retrofitted into thin air.

Aside from the ice-water jolt of reality - the Yankees will not be signing Manny Machado - the "fully operational Death Star" magnitude of yesterday's move has yet to be understood. And if we consider what cannot be predicted - (hint, see above) - it may be pointless to try. What we do know is this: Cash gonna do what Cash gonna do... and God is a maniac. 

That understood, let's strap ourselves to the waterboard and try to figure this out. After a sleepless night, here are my best observations...

1. Manny won't be a Yankee... this year. Of course, he will someday appear in pinstripes. They all do. It could be six years from now, in the year 2025 - (if man is still alive, if woman can survive) - when he's hitting .220 and playing 1B/DH. By then, he'll be running out grounders, but it won't matter. The White Sox or Philly fans will be booing his name, face and haircut. (By the way, those are two particularly ornery fan bases, if you are old and blamed for sucking the franchise dry, so... good luck with that!) The team will trade him to the Yankees for a Gallegos and a Shreve, and our automated John Sterling - (they're doing wonders with artificial intelligence) - will be as ecstatic as a robot can be. Upon arrival, Manny will go on a nice little tear, lifting his average to .240, and then disappear. I only hope that, by then, they have medications that equal the "Calgon Beauty Bath, Take me away!" experience. I'm going to need it.

2. Something is fishy. I'll never understand the testicular dynamics between GMs and agents, but it seems as though Cashman considers himself one Viagra tablet shy of the Chrysler Building. To me, it's scandalous to think that the Yankees didn't even even make Machado a low-ball offer. You have the premier free agent in baseball, age 26, who wants to play in NYC, and his wife is practically your inside Paul Manafort... yet the Yankees apparently never even exchanged scribbled numbers on a cocktail napkin? WTF? Did they fear Manny would say yes? To me, it looks like ownership collusion, the kind that federal courts once viewed as dirty dealing. Ah, but that was a different court system and a different era. Still, the Yankees have had the chance to sign perhaps the two greatest free agents in history, or at least this decade, and they won't even play their cards. Yeah, something smells. 

3. Bryce is gone. With respect to the Iron Rule of Predictions - (hint, see above) - we should dismiss the fantasy that Cashman is poker posturing, using  Art of the Deal tactics to build his wall wheedle down Bryce Harper's asking price. It's over. He'll sign somewhere else. I personally see Harper as the perfect piece for a 2019 World Championship, but this is not The Voice, and there is no audience participation component. It's depressing: I've spent seven years believing Harper would be a Yankee, and I suspect Harper has done the same. Turns out, to become a Yankee, he will have to be old and dumpy, and platoon with Manny for the DH slot. By then, Miami players might be wearing hip-boots. Let's come to grips with it: The great Bryce Harper fantasy was just killed by someone named DJ LeMahieu.

4. Which brings me to The Hieu. My guess is he's is a fine player, solid handshake, credit to his home town, and the kind of infield utility man we might consider indispensable. Over the last 24 hours, I've read how he will spell Gleyber at second, Tulo at short, and Miggy at third - almost simultaneously - and how great his fielding is. And, yeah, we can use a golden glove. Last year, Gleyber Torres was statistically the worst fielding 2B in baseball, and Miguel Andujar was his counterpart at 3B. Now, we're going to sandwich them around a 34-year-old shortstop? Wow. So... yeah, I can see the need for a defensive specialist. 

But it seems to me, the 2019 Yankees have only one real hope: That Gleyber and Miggy improve defensively, in the way that young players do. If they sharpen their game, they become all stars, maybe destined for Monument Park. If they don't, well, will DJ LeMahieu save the day? I donno.  

5. We're back to spending. Okay, maybe I buried the lede. Yesterday's signing puts the Yankees about $15 million over the salary cap. No longer can they shrink back below it by trading Sonny Gray for a set of Leggos. Once you're over that payroll threshold, you're paying taxes. So, the question is: How far over the line will Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner go? I have a suspicion. Let's say Hal gives Cooperstown Cashman a target of $239 million - the budget that Boston spent last year. It's chickenfeed compared to total Yankee revenues (which produce the worst ballpark food in baseball.) If we have Boston's 2018 budget, Cash would still have about $20 million to spend this winter. That gets us a starting pitcher, or two bullpen arms, or a big LH bat that is not named Bryce. You can buy a lot with $20 million, if you know what you're doing. Which leads to another question...

6. This could be Twilight of Cashman's Epoch. Listen: The 2019 team will be entirely Cashman's creation, and if it flops, it will be time to face the consequences. No longer will he be able to mollify the Gammonites by blaming the owner's self-inflicted austerity. (Hal's priority last year was not to win the world series, but to get under the tax threshold.) If Hal spends his hard-inherited money, he'll expect results. No more excuses. If the Yanks spend Boston-level money, they better win. 

That said, you can't predict Cashman, Suzyn. Cash gonna do what Cash gonna do. I need some sleep.