Dear Hal: Sign Dallas Keuchel already, and win the AL East!

Hello, Darkness, my old friend,

What if I told you there is currently a 31-year-old starter still on the market, a certifiable Yankee nemesis who threw 204 innings last year with a 3.74 ERA, and all he will cost you is piss? 

That's right, amigo. Piss. Because let's face it: to an old-money, country-clubbing billionaire like you, that's what money is. It's zeros in a bank account that your children's children's children will never empty, and no shiny new yacht or underground survival bunker will ever bring you as much joy as a parade down the Canyon of Heroes... which, by the way, would also let you escape going down in history as the cheap little man who turned the New York Yankees into the Padres of the East. What if I told you that?

Well, that's what I'm saying. The name, of course, is Dallas Keuchel, and as you read this, he is waiting beside his phone with a Yankee cap and a Norelco, and if you make the call, he will instantly complete our rotation, vault us ahead of Boston and maybe save - along with your deteriorating reputation - the life of Mr. CC Sabathia.

That's right. I'm talking about a great Yankee warrior who is now saddling up in the hope of pitching another full season, barely three months after undergoing emergency angioplasty. If you seriously intend to trot out CC every fifth day, I hope you keep a defibrillator nearby. It's your choice: You can give him extra rest - make him the sixth starter - or you can run him like a sled dog. Happy trails. 

Oh, and you can also maybe put an end to this Boston dynasty business.

That's right, sir. Because despite the moo-ings of the Yankee courtier press, Boston remains the team to beat in the AL East. In case you've forgotten, they have the reigning MVP (Betts), a rapidly ascending star (Benintendi), three Cy Young candidates (Sale, Price and Porcello), a potential breakout star (Devers) and baseball's best pure hitter (Martinez.) Meanwhile, the Yankees are banking on a "comeback" by Gary Sanchez and the improbable Second Coming of Troy Tulowitzky, a truly heartwarming tale that water-carrying Gammonites love to sell, but one that simply doesn't add up over the course of a long, grueling season. But what do you care; he came cheap, right?

The Redsocks have sat quietly all winter, savoring their rings. This has given Yankee fans a false sense of security. I would suggest you not sleep on Boston. Soon, they'll sign someone, as they did last year around this time. Apparently, you will sit out the auction for Bryce Harper, as you did Manny Machado - two stars who would have pushed this team into supremacy. Now, there is Keuchel, a potential ace and rotation linchpin. Are you going to count your money and let him go, too? 

It's all piss, Mr. Hal. If you want, you can swim in it. But when the Yankee rotation falls apart this summer - and it will, we all know this - you'll be scrambling to drain the already weakened farm system for somebody just like Keuchel. You can do it now, or you can do it later. It's all piss, Mr. Hal. How much of it do you want to horde?