Funny How Different People Look at the World in Different Ways

Yankees fans:  This is terrible!  Our key players are getting hurt left and right a month before the season even begins!  We kept begging management to pick up some great stars during the off-season who might have made up for this, but they just mocked us.  We wish we had we had an owner and general manager who were still willing to spend money and at least try to win!

Aaron Hicks:  This is a relief.  Man oh man, it will be good to hit the massage table and strap on the heat pack.  I was walking around Tampa like the 10,000-year-old man, but somehow no one noticed.  I love my agent.  I wish every player could have an agent that good.

Luis Severino:  This is a BIG relief.  My arm's felt like it's going to fall off since last July.  Thank goodness that old white fool who's the pitching coach kept talking to me about tipping my pitches.  Whenever he did, I would just nod my head up and down like one of those bobblehead dolls they love so much up here—like my English wasn't quite  good enough to understand.  He'd give up and go get the translator, and I'd just take the guy out to a good dinner.  It hurt so bad I even tried to hide in the umpire's room before that big Boston game in the playoffs, but they found me.  After that shellacking I thought for sure they'd catch on and order an MRI.  Instead—$40 million!  I wish everybody could get such a great retirement package.

Larry Rothschild:  This is really weird.  Severino was tipping his pitches AND suffering from a bad rotator cuff?  No wonder he was getting so beat up.  Without my instruction, he probably would have been even worse...than the worst ERA in the majors.  Never mind!  I just wish that Sonny Gray would shut up about me in the papers.  Everybody knows sinkers in the dirt are the pitches to throw.  Even if you don' have anybody to catch them.

The Writers:  This is good.  It gives us another fifty stories or so to write without leaving the bar, idly speculating on who the Yanks might get to replace these guys.  Plus, we get to spend more time soliciting self-serving quotes from Brian Cashman.  He's so dreamy.  I only wish the fans would stop complaining about everything.  And that they'd start stocking Woodford's Reserve in the press box.  Hmm, maybe we could talk to good old Cashy about that...

Hal Steinbrenner:  This is sweet!  Take another $10 mill off the payroll for each of the next five years—80 percent of it payable by Lloyd's of London, while we slip another minimum-wage rag arm onto the staff.  Am I a financial geek or WHAT!  I just wish there were a hundred Lloyd's gullible enough to insure the health of baseball players.

Brian Cashman:  This is perfect!  Now Sevvy can have his inevitable Tommy John surgery, and be back in time for when we become a fully operational Death Star again, in 2021.  Speaking of which, I had better check on how Clarke Schmidt, James Kaprielian, Ian Clarkin, Andy Brackman, and Ellsbury are doing with their rehabs.  Boy, are we going to be GREAT that year!  I only wish I had another wall in my office for all the executive-of-the-year awards I'm going to win!

Ma Boone: This is the life.  I made over $16 million playing major-league baseball even though I was nearly the definition of mediocrity.  Now I'm still raking in over a million a year, even though I don't have a clue what I'm doing.  The one big hit I got in a 12-year playing career is shown over and over again, in endless loops at the Stadium and on television, and I'm married to a beautiful lady with a big heart.  Honestly, I can't think of a thing to wish for.  Except for peace on earth and good will to men!