Masked by tomato cans in the early going, the Yankees now look terrible against a real team

If last night's loss were penned by Shakespeare, the money line would be simple: "Et tu, Gardy?"

Yes, to bleat or not to bleat; that is the question. Thus far in 2019, everyone's favorite Yankee has pulled a Felicity Huffman. His .195 average serves to remind us that last year, Gardy not only lost his lead-off spot in the lineup, but by mid-September he was riding the bench, replaced by Andrew McCutcheon in left.  Last night, Gardy embarrassed himself and humanity by failing to run out a bunt, handing Houston a critical DP. It killed us. He also bobbled a ball in CF - where he looks mystified - letting an Astro take an extra base. At bat, he went 0-3 with a walk and strikeout. Right now, when he comes to the plate, 'tis no method to his madness.

Gardy's screw-ups have set the tone. Throughout our sweep against lowly Baltimore, the Yankees botched routine plays like Lucille Ball devouring chocolates on a speeded-up assembly line. Our base-running was horrible, and if not for Chris Davis appearing in key moments, like the Mothman, we could have blown at least two afternoons. The fact is, the Yankees have lost two winnable games in Houston and look like a team in a leaderless fog. Is it too early for a water cooler to get demolished?

Last night, you saw the malaise everywhere:

Austin Romine botched two pitches, letting runners advance in key situations. If it were Gary Sanchez, we'd be screaming. WTF is wrong with Romine? Is he passed his sell date? His hitting will not justify poor defense. 

Thrill-a-minute Cliff Frazier clanked on two sinking liners in left field, both catchable balls. They changed the course of the game. We suddenly face a new question: Is Frazier's glove too much of a liability... even if he hits?

The 2019 Yankee Hall of Fame Super-Mega-Bullpen of the Century (TM) again flopped. Somehow, the Yankees this spring gas-lighted us into believing a) all our pitchers will return in top form, and b) we are baseball's only team with a slew of flame-throwers. Not only does our bullpen look average, but with El Chapo and Zack Britton showing signs of age, we face a season where no lead can ever be truly safe. And that's not counting the roller-coaster ride known as Dellin Betances, who will soon add to the late innings chaos. A tweak here or there, and this vaunted bullpen could be a problem spot.

Of course, yesterday's real lead was what we've suspected all along: Luis Severino won't be back in May, his shoulder is an enigma, and any return date announced by the Yankees is crapola. He could miss months. He could miss the year. The fate of this season hangs in an MRI, and even then, we won't know what to believe, because the Yankees commonly lie. 

Of course, a half-solution awaits our call. The former Yankee killer, Dallas Keuchel, remains unsigned. With Severino now on the official Yankee Terror List, the reasons why Cooperstown Cashman won't sign Keuchel should be scrawled in blood and hammered into the mast of our sinking whaler.  

We won't sign Keuchel because: 1. Money doesn't grow on trees! 2. There's no room with the great Luis Cessa and Domingo German! 3. We've already signed Gio Gonzalez! 4. We're a few games ahead of Boston! 5, Why sign a free agent why you can trade prospects? 6. Luis Severino has destroyed our faith in players; it's all his fault. 

Yep. That will be new message. Blame Severino, because he signed a big contract and then got hurt. It's always their fault. Right now, the Yankees can put forth only one real hope for 2019: It's early, and all the crap has landed on us at once. Et' tu, Boonie?