Has Gardy found the secret sound that drives umpires mad?

One of the most reprehensible pro wrestling villains of my youth was Hans Mortier, a Nazi thug in a mortician's cap who cravenly attacked opponents before the opening bell, who cheated at every turn, and who would often lift an unconscious rival's shoulders up from the mat, merely so he could dole out more punishment. He lived not to win, but to hurt people. I loved the guy. 

One of the best part's of Hans' act was that he had a weakness. He hated the roar of the crowd. He'd cup hands over his ears - he had tender ears - and fall to his knees, writhing from the pain. This could change the course of a match. The more you clapped - it was like saving Tinkerbell - the more Hans fell apart. Often, he'd end up wringing out his hands and pleading for mercy. (Though you could never trust him; he was a rotten, slimy snake.) It was a great act.

Which brings me to Brett Gardner, the Yankee Clapper. I don't know what it sounds like to be standing 30 feet from a guy who is repeatedly slamming his bat into the dugout roof, but I gotta believe it's the stuff of migraines. So yesterday, for the second time in a week, the home plate umpires of Major League Baseball - without announcing anything publicly - began enforcing a new "rule:" No jabbing bats against the dugout roof (which, on replay, looked to be breaking apart from the effort.) Twice now, Gardy has been ejected without barely saying a word. It was the jarring, industrial sound - that torturous BAM-BAM-BAM that has home plate umps launching a crackdown on noise. It won't work, of course. The more Hans Mortier begged for quiet, the louder the crowd roared. Gardy is onto something. The umps hate one particular sound. It's going to be a long summer for them.

But here's the rub: I'm not sure that's a good thing. Now and then, I hear fans and pundits clamoring for the automated strike zone, which would eliminate human mistakes from home plate umpiring. The Yankees - particularly Aaron Judge - have had their share of bad balls and strikes this year. It's not fantasy to believe that machines could do a better job. The truth is, we know they could. We know a computer could make the correct call on every pitch. What we don't know is what that would do to the game.

I've always believed the art of pitching is fooling not just the hitter, but the ump. A pitch that seems to touch the outside corner - but actually doesn't - is a work of art. It's the hallmark of great pitchers. Take away those pitches, and who knows how it will affect the game? We might see home run records demolished by mid-August, or .400 batting averages become commonplace. Or it could go in the other direction - where nobody hits .300 - and scoring becomes like soccer. We just don't know. An automated strike zone would bring the biggest change in the history of the game, and it might not be for the better.

So, for the sake of entertainment, I still remember Hans Mortier with a smile. Yeah, he was evil. Yeah, he was a thug. But without villains, there is no pro wrestling. And without umps, there is no human factor. The Yankees don't need to pick fights with these guys. In the long haul, it's a bad idea. Gardy simply needs a new sound. A clicker, maybe?