Wednesday, August 21, 2019

It's Not a Juggernaut. It's a Clown Bike.

In general, the local sporting press has tended to describe your 2019 New York Yankees as a "juggernaut."

Depicted below is a real, original "car of the juggernaut," the celebratory wagon named for the Hindu god Jagannātha, meaning "world lord" that was pulled out and hauled about on feast days...from time to time inadvertently crushing any individuals who happened to fall under its wheels or get pushed there as, let's say, a holiday prank by one of their friends.



Pretty scary, huh?  You sure as hell don't want to meet up with one of these going full-speed down the streets of the Bronx.

But that's not what this New York Yankees team is.  This New York Yankees team is, let's face it, a clown bike act, in all the best senses of the phrase.





Not quite so scary, huh?  But I don't mean to ridicule.

In the circus—back in the days when we were allowed to have circuses—a clown bike act was a thing of wonder.  There might easily be four or five professional, trained clowns piled onto one of these teeny tiny bicycles, all hanging on for dear life while simultaneously performing amazing acts of derring-do.

This is what your 2019 New York Yankees truly are.

Think of Ma Boone peddling away like crazy while, say, LeMahieu balances on one of his shoulders juggling chain saws, and Gio stands on the other shoulder swallowing flaming swords, and, say, Maybin and Tauchman are standing on their respective heads, twisting balloon unicorns into shape.

Don't get me wrong.  It's a helluv'n act.

But clown bike acts are built to end in ruin.  Right now, the wheels are getting wobbly, and the handlebars are loose, and that incredibly tricky, loop-de-loop is coming up just ahead.  Chances are it all goes splat.

Will it matter?

Well, that depends.  Going into tonight's action, the Yanks are 9 1/2 up on the Tampa Bay Witness Protection Rays, thanks to the Rays' two-run, bottom of the ninth rally against Seattle today.

Still if NYY goes just 17-18 the rest of the way, TB—a.k.a., the Consumptives—would have to go 26-8 just to catch up, which is a hard go indeed.

But say the Bombers go 10-25—far from the worst meltdown in baseball or even franchise history (see September, 2000, "The Heart Attack Month").

All the Lungers would have to do then is play 19-15 ball...not so hard at all.  20-14 would put them ahead.  It's quite likely that the other Wild Card "contenders"—Cleveland and Oakland would also buzz by us, leaving us home for the holidays.  (Halloween, Sukkot, Simchat Torah, etc.).

Hell, even the Carmine Hosiery could catch us then with a relatively mild, 26-9 revival.

Hey, chances are this Yankees team will surprise me, and bring home a big win tonight.  They've been surprising me all year long.

But the things about clown bike acts is...they're built to crash.  So is this one, now far from home, with no pitching, the hitters regressing, the replacements reverting to mean, and the wheels about to come off.

What makes me think that, in the end, we'll feel like we've been run over by a juggernaut?











23 comments:

  1. FUNNY BUT TELLING, HOSS....

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  2. Another ancient Japanese Haiku, this one found in a hollow wall of an outbuilding off of the Imperial Palace. It is attributed to Stengel-San, and its simple title is: "The Pecking Order"

    BONER RIMS NUTSACK
    THEY BOTH LICK CASHMAN’S CORNHOLE
    ONLY HAL LICKS NONE

    ReplyDelete
  3. Another "amazin'," walk-off win for the Metsies, albeit mainly thanks to a Cleveland reliever who doesn't know how to field his position.

    I flip the channel
    To see Happ
    And am filled with ennui.

    Is that a haiku? I didn't count the syllables. It SHOULD be!

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  4. And sure enough: two out, nobody on. Crapp lets up a single, then a towering home run. Oakland in the lead.

    As Chief Higgins remarked as he was sucked into the hot dog machine at the Quik-E-Mart, this is going to get worse before it gets better.

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  5. "C'mon, Judgey," I say, leaning toward the set like a 1930s kid in a TB ward, listening to Babe Ruth on the radio. "C'mon, show me you still got it. Show me I'm all wet to doubt you."

    Judge takes a 92-mph fastball, straight down the middle. Then he takes a weird, defensive half-swing at a ball near his neck and topples over even as he hits a soft groundball to the shortstop. He twist around, falling over, and is thrown literally before he leaves the batter's box.

    He looks like the Tin Man in Wizard of Oz, falling apart.

    Sigh.

    Judge
    Is a drudge
    In August.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Another towering, two-run homer by Semien, which slowly bounces down the concrete step of Oakland's Thunderdome, like the baby carriage in "Battleship Potemkin." Eisenstein would've had a ball focusing in on the horrified faces of watching Yankees fans.

    A's hitters are swinging so hard I think some of them may injure themselves.

    The camera focuses on BoJo, with his arms crossed, shaking his head. He has managed to wear a cap tonight.

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  7. The Yankees are game 6 of 10 straight games against teams with excellent starting pitching. No wonder that " the hitters regressing, the replacements reverting to mean". Funny how that works, right?

    ReplyDelete
  8. And every fucking game this shit show of starters gets pummeled and is gone by the fifth inning. It's going to be a short post season .

    ReplyDelete
  9. Happ consults with Sanchez in the dugout. We see Sanchez making a downward motion with his hand.

    We can imagine their conversation.

    Sanchez: Ball, eh, not supposed go over fence. No good, go over. You see? NO good.

    Happ: Yes, I know.

    Sanchez (puzzled): Bu-u-ut everytime, it go out. How come? Is NO good. You see?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Aaron Boone storms out toward the plate to get into an argument with the umpire for a bad ball call against one of his pitchers.

    AARON BOONE

    My guys are a fucking shit show on the fucking mound right?

    Doug K.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Judge takes two pitches, a ball and a strike, then grounds out meekly to third. Third straight groundout tonight.

    Judge
    Will trudge
    Through another month of sludge
    A dwindling smudge
    On the horizon.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Getting owned by the A's again. What a pathetic display of so called starting pitching. And I see we're fully back to doing nothing but swinging for the fences. Stupid slimey Doyers are going to Annihilate them over the weekend. God I hate the stupid f'n Doyers.

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  13. All right, that's it. Turned it off after Didi's killer error. This is not a team that came to play tonight, and damned if I will bother if they didn't. They're simply unbearable to watch out there.

    You know, I never root for a player to get injured. But I wouldn't mind seeing Crapp come down with a long, debilitating case of, oh, I dunno, mono or something. Just enough so we don't have to ever, ever watch him pitch again.

    The idea of watching this guy pitch for another whole year fills me with existential dread.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This fucking pitching staff that this asshole Coops put together is just an embarrassment. This is honestly on par with the days of Jared Wright, Javy Vasquez, Jeff Weaver, and the two or three outings we got from Pavano

    ReplyDelete
  15. I don't even listen to the Master anymore unless they have an 8 run lead because I can't take the same shit every single game. It's written in stone what each of them will do. German and Tanaka will give up a shit ton of homeruns and pray the offense bails them out. Happ and CC will give 1 inning before falling apart. Paxton stinks in the 1st and then finds it, but can't go very long because he threw 76 pitches in the first.

    How does Tittyboy Rothschild still have a job? I'm really starting to believe all of the conspiracy theories about the Rothschild family because I can't understand how this incompetent moron still has a job despite a proven track record of ruining pitchers. Seriously is he just some banker that the Steinbrenners owe money to? Why is he still here after nearly a decade of taking quality pitchers and making them shit and then watching them leave and instanly get better?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Boo must go-go. You won't win anything without pitching.

    And must we say this again? Judge is hurt. H-U-R-T. His big comeback lasted all of one game, and one pulled home run on the season. Today, 0-5, 3 groundouts followed by 2 Ks.

    Put him on the EL. NOW. Maybe he'll be ready for the playoffs. Maybe he'll never really be Judge again.

    What's shocking just now is watching the athleticism of the Mets vs. this Yankees team. Judge, in particular, seems barely able to move. Sanchez barely seems to be paying attention.

    Judge to the EL, the Red Menace to the majors IF FOR NO OTHER REASONS BUT TO INSTILL A LITTLE GINGER IN THESE GUYS.

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  17. I'm tellin' ya, I've seen this too many times under present management.

    At the end of play yesterday, the Yanks had a 10-game lead. By the end of this road trip it will half that or less.

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  18. CAN WE DO A "JUJU" INTERVENTION ON THE METS, ENSURING THEY DON'T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS?

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  19. The Mets are now beyond JuJu. That Cleveland team which looked so tough against our guys seemed absolutely befuddled out in Queens. Where, incidentally, there were many thousands of empty seats.

    Still, if they get one more relief pitcher, look out.

    Really incredible. Look at, say, the core six of our lineups:

    Yankees:

    LeMahieu
    Gio
    Judge
    Sanchez
    Torres
    Didi

    Mets:

    McNeil
    Alonso
    Rosario
    Conforto
    Ramos
    Davis

    Who would you take? I'd have to say, right now I'd go with the Mets.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Horace....Maybe staying in the same hotel in Manhattan for a week....the bedbug infestation and bites has led to an epidemic of Crotch Itch in the Indian lineup.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Do bedbugs bite scrotums or do they stay in the deep forest of the pubic hair? Do the Cleveland players shave down there? Can we pay off a brigade of bedbugs? Would it make a difference if we STILL have no real pitching? I think not.

    ReplyDelete
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