Local Man Played in Brett Gardner's Body for Whole Season

Hannibal, MO (AP):  It was revealed today that local resident S. Joseph Boyd, 65, has played the entire 2019 Yankees season in the body of Brett Gardner.  It appears that Mr. Boyd's possession of the aging Yankee outfielder was made possible by a scheme formulated by the Prince of Darkness himself.

"He told me his name was Mr. Applegate," Boyd told reporters.  "He looked like that guy who used to be on television.  You know:  the one who was the Martian, with the TV antennas coming out of his head?"

Boyd, a prominent barfly, was in his neighborhood tavern this spring complaining vociferously about the fact that his favorite team, the New York Yankees, were once again reduced to starting "Gardy" in the outfield.  Applegate asked if he would like to do something about it by taking over Gardner's body, in exchange for an eternity in hell.  Boyd held out for another scotch on the rocks, before agreeing.

His new teammates did not notice much of a change in Gardner, save for his newfound tendency to bang continuously on the ceiling of the dugout with a baseball bat.

"I do that at home.  Anything I see—a pen, a fork, a chopstick—I take it and keep banging on a table or an armchair.  Aw, I can go on for hours—or at least until the wife starts to scream at me to leave the house," Mr. Boyd explained.  "The guys, they just loved it."

Although Boyd still hit nine points below Gardner's lifetime batting average, he did produce unprecedented power and endurance, traits ascribed by Boyd to diabolical intervention.

"He said he wanted to do a whole reverse on the Damn Yankees thing," Boyd said of "Mr. Applegate."  "You know:  have it be this time he's working for the Yankees when they play Washington.  He's always been a been a big Yankees fans, which is something we bonded over.  Hey, how did you think it was that Harry Frazee got to own the Red Sox?"

The whole scheme came a-cropper, however, when Boyd—forgetting that the Yankees were scheduled to play a rare day game on Tuesday—went on a bender with Satanic temptress, Gwen Verdon.

"Oh, she was a handful," chuckled Boyd.  "But that breathy voice.  And those legs that just won't quit!"

The next afternoon, Boyd stumbled about the outfield like, well, a 65-year-old man, and his slash line in the ALCS has dropped to a statistically phenomenal .154/.154/.154/.308—below even Gardner's .201/.259/.260/.519 in 58 lifetime playoff games.

Mr. Applegate canceled the contract.  When Boyd suggested that, instead, he be allowed to possess Giancarlo Stanton's body and act like someone who cared, the devil reportedly told him, "Let's not get carried away."