Shecky Verlander jokes about the Astros stealing signs; I've half a mind to steal his wife, and see how he feels about that

Speaking publicly the other night, Justin Verlander tried to joke his way out of the Astros' ongoing sign-stealing scandal, which is spreading like coronavirus across the anger buttons of writers, players and fans. In the presence of a glaring CC Sabathia, "Shecky" quipped that his team, the Astros,' are "technologically and analytically advanced." Hardy-harr-harr. A regular Will Rogers, there. 

So, that's how he plans to deal with it, eh? Tell a joke, grab the trophy, call a cab. 

Apparently, Verlander feels that, as a pitcher, he's immune to criticism that Astro coaches and hitters were stealing opposing signs. He must have thought that secret video room in the back was for watching Turner Classics, that the banging trash cans were attempts to chase out the roaches, and that strategic whistling? - that was just coaches, pointing out hot chicks in the crowd. All-American fun. That's all.

What's really funny is how Verlander, as a Detroit Tiger, used to be pretty self-righteous about the use of steroids in baseball, because he considered it to be cheating. Not only that, but in 2017, about a month before he was traded to Houston, he spoke out against electronic sign-stealing. Now, though, it's a joke?

Okay, let's give the guy a little extra rope. Truly, Verlander is a great pitcher. Nobody can take that from him. I wish the Yankees had him. But if Verlander thinks he can magically elevate himself above this sorry, horrible, ongoing mess - that he can joke his way out of the stink of it - he's delusional. Though it was the Astros hitters who directly benefited from Houston's sign-stealing, the pitchers gained immensely.

Imagine a football game where the defense knows every offensive play before the snap. You could say the linebackers enjoyed the direct benefit, as they continually crushed the runner, but the entire team would have an incredible advantage. 

Apparently, Verlander thinks it's amusing that the Astros stole signs. Or at least, that's what he hoped it could be. Well, if sign-stealing is okay, maybe wife-stealing should be, too. Maybe I should dust off my old dance moves - I can still do the funky chicken - and steal his wife, Kate Somethingorother. 

That's right. Maybe it's time for me to take one for the team, a bit of "fan-justice-revenge porn."

Somewhere in the back of the closet, I've got my old disco cuffs shirt. Like a superhero costume. I always knew I'd need it again someday. I can spray on a tan, tease the comb-over - (nobody knows it's a comb-over; I'm trusting you not to tell) - and "accidentally" bump into Kate at the laundromat. I'll do a few impressions - Popeye the Sailor's Wimpy, Ward Cleaver ("June I'm ho-ome!"), President James K. Polk (mostly sight gag) - tell a few "adult" jokes, not the kind Verlander tells, and get her hopped up. Then, kaboom. we'll be out, dancing the night away, while Verlander is home pacing the floor with a loaded Luger in his mouth. We'll finish the night making out on the 50-year-line of Verlander's old high school football field - that's some designer porn, eh? That ought to teach him a lesson. He'll know what it's like to have something precious stolen. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll take one for the team.

Listen: This Astros thing has not begun to be fully digested by the American public. Basically, baseball just acknowledged that the last three post-seasons were a joke - tainted by cheating, and that two world championships were stolen. Thus far, to my knowledge, four Astros have come forward publicly to deal with the matter. Alex Bregman and Jose Altuve, who attended a fan event just a few hours after the story came out, basically hemmed and hawed. Dalls Keuchel gave a weak apology, which turned rancid by his anger at the whistle-blower. Now, Verlander has attempted to joke about it, and say little more. Well, nothing has worked. 

MLB ruled that no players should be punished in the scandal. But if anybody thinks the Astros will return next month to business as usual, or that the players are going to walk away without consequences, they are very, very misguided. You know they say, "the shit has yet to hit the fan?" In this case, the fans are about to hit the shit.