Solved! Seven reasons why Jose Altuve's unfinished tattoo, "Melanie," (rhymes with "Felony") needed to be hidden from view in the moments after his glorious playoffs-winning home run

One of the new lines from BattleWorld Houston is that after his (in)famous home run, Jose Altuve didn't want his bare chest exposed to the nation because of an incomplete tattoo, which now says "MELANIE.

This should put things to rest. There are at least seven rock-hard reasons why Jose wouldn't want an unfinished "MELANIE" be seen. 

Here they are, in order of likelihood:  

1. "LANIE." This would make him seem a fan of actress Lanie Kazan, or maybe even a stalker. Not good. He was wise to avoid that controversy. 

2. "ANI.' In his greatest moment, it would be assumed that he was honoring acclaimed singer/songwriter Ani DeFranco (from Buffalo, by the way.) If Jose has any love of music, he should be proud of a tattoo supporting "Ani." So why hide it? It doesn't make sense. Therefore, I do not think this was the reason. 


3. "EL IE." This would seem to reference Yankee great Elston Howard. From a baseball standpoint, this is fine, but a bit ticklish, since Jose's home run had just beaten the Yankees. As Jose rounded the bases, he must have realized that Yankee fans would think he was "rubbing it in," so he smartly clutched his jersey and kept himself hidden.

4. "MEL." This could only refer to legendary Yankee announcer Mel Allen and, frankly, this would be rather bizarre, because Allen has been dead for many years. It would require explaining on Jose's part, especially since Allen was a big Yankee fan, and the home run would be especially hurtful to remaining members of his family. That Jose shielded them from pain can only be considered a testament to his empathy, as he rounded third. 

5. "M." Did Jose fear that fans would see this as a reference to James Bond's boss? He'd have reason. As head of the British Secret Service, "M" was always breaking enemy codes. Pretty scary, eh? 

6. "ME." This would make Jose look like a narcissist, which he is definitely not! In fact, this dovetails into his first excuse: he's a humble fellow who didn't want his manly cleavage put on display like Easter morning with the Kardashians. This makes sense! How could a quiet, introverted man such as Jose explain to the world why, with his boobs exposed, he'd serve the brazenly self-loving message: Me. Everyone would hate him.

7. "MELA." Surely, this is it. Why do I think this? Moolah. Cabbage. Bread. Scribbage. Geohaug. Yep, money. "MELA" would be interpreted as short for Melatonin, a sleeping supplement. This would directly undermine Jose's endorsements for 24-Hour Energy Drinks. Does he want to wake you up or put you to sleep? You can't have it both ways. While he rounded the bases, he realized the implications of showing a veritable billboard for a sleep helper. He hugged himself and stayed private. Now that's quick thinking.