Virtual Baseball: Happ-less Mariners Founder on Grounders. Phil Flees!

The Virtual New York Yankees took their third straight win today against the Seattle Pilots Mariners, 4-2, as J.A. Happ reduced them to mere groundball machines in pitching a rare, complete-game win.

Happ did not have command of all his pitches today, walking six, but he always got a groundball when he needed one—usually to substitute shortstop Thairo Estrada, who started four double-plays and added a bases-clearing trouble, as Thairo Mania continued today at the Stadium.

Local entrepreneur Harman Blennerhasset announced that he is ordering another 50,000 pharaoh headdresses, while Yankees fans joyfully walked like Egyptians and cavorted like Cairoans through the aisles of their less-than-ancient Stadium.  The Yankees announced that they would now be adding a new, special section next to the currently moribund "Judge's Chambers" in right field.

It will be called, "Thairo's Tomb," and feature individual, open sarcophaguses modeled after those at the Met, which will be sharing in the profits from seat holders.

Meanwhile, just one day after Yankees creatures Lonn John Trost and Randy Levine completed an agreement with a couple of upstate grifters for the rights to Phil Rizzuto electronic personality, "the Phil Sessions," as they are called, seem to have somehow gained control of a Cadillac in the players' parking lot at some point during the seventh inning, and managed to drive it out past the air tight security of the Stadium lot.

Police were later able to trace the driverless car's roundabout route through Brooklyn, Glendale, and across the George Washington Bridge to Hillside, New Jersey, before losing it.  Bystanders reported hearing the strains of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" as it passed by.