Virtual Baseball: A Hero Rises in the East: Tanaka Goes West, Beats Astros Amidst "Freedom Chaos."

Masahiro Tanaka activated himself from the DL, took himself to Houston, and pitched his New York Yankees to a desperately needed victory, as the Pinstripers topped the Astros amidst the bloody chaos of Houston's "Show Us Your Gun Night."

Miguel Andujar, "El Matador," completed an outstanding series with four doubles today, driving in as many runs, to lead the Yankees' effort at the plate.  But the day truly belonged to Tanaka, who after watching the Yankees' seventh straight loss, declared himself fit, maneuvered his ulnar collateral ligament back into place, and managed to cut his way through the barbed wire fencing of the Dr. Oz/George Steinbrenner Rehabilitation Camp and hitch a ride from Florida to Houston.

Once on the mound, the feisty Far Easterner pitched seven innings of dominant baseball, allowing just two earned runs—an effort made all the more remarkable by the havoc descending all around him.

"Show Us Your Gun Night" began in a festive atmosphere, as an estimated 25,000 of the capacity crowd at Jett Rink Park entered the stadium heavily armed.  Each fan who open carried received a complimentary, Confederate flag windshield decal and bumper sticker.

Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick—on his second marriage, second religion, second legal name, and fifth or sixth career—started the festivities by lauding Texas as "the land of second chances except, of course, for immigrants."

Things began to sour, though, when rival political factions attending Jett Rink Park fell into an argument over whether rancher Cliven Bundy or Sheriff Joe Arpaio was the greater American, and began to exchanges small arms fire.  A running gun battle ensued throughout the Stadium.

Tanaka, however, continued unconcerned, even as stray bullets buried themselves in the mound just behind the pitcher's rubber.  Afterwards, he said through a translator that it was not up to him to comment on exotic American customs, and that the commotion had served to distract him from the excruciating pain in his pitching arm.

Afterwards, as stretcher bearers worked through the night carrying the dead and wounded out of the ballpark, Lt. Gov. Patrick remarked that while the deaths were lamentable, "a little freedom chaos" was no worse than the flu.

"Look, there are more important things than living," Patrick told reporters by Zoom, while ensconced in an armored military vehicle surrounded by Texas Rangers.  "I don't want to die, nobody wants to die, but it's important that we make it possible for our grandchildren to defend  the dubious victory of our great Texas ballteam with the gratuitous use of lethal weapons."

Reporters trying to get an accurate idea of the number of fatalities said they had given up counting after 300-400 body bags, but Texas Gov. Greg Abbott told the media that there were no fatalities or wounded civilians, and that in fact the ballpark had been closed all evening, nothing happened, no one dead here, go away.

With the win, the Yankees managed to close the Tampa Bay Rays' lead in the American League East to nine games.