Virtual Baseball: More Fireworks at the Stadium! And Everywhere! Suzyn Brawls with Tim! Musk on Way to Mars! With Martian!!!

There have been some unusual days in this 2020 virtual baseball season, but perhaps none quite so weird as today.

The game—a 4-3 thriller won when Mike Tauchman tumbled over the right field fence to rob Miguel Sano of a potential, game-winning home run in the ninth inning—was the least of it.

Masahiro Tanaka and Jake Odorizzi hooked up in what was a downright pitchers' duel for this series and this season, both departing after the seventh in a 2-2 tie.  Tommy Kahnle then allowed a go-ahead home run to Jake Cave, but back-to-back doubles by D.J. LeMahieu and Miguel "El Matador" Andujar, put the Yanks out front in front once more.

Adam Ottavio, subbing for a tired Zach(k) Britton as closer, got two men out but let two men on, before Sano hit a blast that seemed headed for the seats.  Only Tauchman's Judgeian leap and catch kept it from going out.

The Yanks' seventh straight win—which cut the chafing-dish hot Tampa Bay Rays' lead in the AL East to nine games—was overshadowed, though, by other events both within and without the Stadium.

The big news was how Elon Musk, released from custody on one of Attorney General William Barr's new "Get Out of Jail Free Because I Say So" warrants, promptly seized control of his stranded Space X rocket and blasted off on his own, telling the control tower that he was planning to travel to Mars and set up the first human space colony there.

In anticipation of peopling his Martian civilization, Musk first kidnapped the Knicks City Dancers AND Jasson Dominguez, the Yankees prospect known as "The Martian."

"He really IS a Martian!" Musk was heard screaming as his spaceship left the atmosphere.  "There are TV antennae that come out of the back of his head!  It's true!  I've seen it!  To Mars with the Martian!  Bwahahahaha!"

Yankees GM Brian Cashman denied reports today that the Yankees had actually expedited Musk's kidnapping of their leading prospect because he was batting only .098 for the Pulaski Skyway Yankees, in the Appalachian Hollow Jug League.

"Bee hazards reeling!" Cashman told a reporter through his special, Eagle Protection gear.

When the reporter asked him, "What?" Cashman repeated, "He-has-a-high-ceiling!"—then crushed the man's larynx with his steel glove.

Meanwhile, back in the Bronx, Suzyn Waldman got into an intense argument with Special Kars-for-Kids Booth Guest Tim McCarver, who told her during the seventh-inning stretch that he had never much cared for the Yankees or the Steinbrenners, especially old George, who he described as "a loathsome bully with body odor."

Their heated argument soon turned to fisticuffs, and Stadium fans were treated to the sight of them tumbling out of the booth and onto the protective netting behind home plate while they continued to flail at each other.  They were stranded there for most of the next inning until Stadium personnel could rescue them, but they did return to finish out the game like the pros they are.

Afterwards they made it up, even enjoying a drink together at one of Yankee Stadium's many family whiskey bars.  Suzyn confessed that she may have been particularly on edge because of the latest medical reports concerning her erstwhile partner, John Sterling.

"I can't say anything," she sniffed, while putting back her third single-malt in ten minutes.  "But I think he's really in trouble.  There's no predicting the fate of 81-year-old masters with irregular brain patterns."