Virtual Baseball: The Pirate King! Mike Hurls No-No at Bucs! Tony Clark Joins Summit in the Sun.

The virtually perfect took over the Virtual Baseball World tonight, as rookie Mike King pitched a no-hitter for the Virtual Yankees over Pittsburgh, winning 8-0.

The Pirates, who have started on another long-term tanking operation after a brief period of actually trying to win ballgames, were largely baffled by the rookie's baffling variety of soft serves.

The Bucs did draw seven walks, and twice had batters reach on errors when balls hit Clint Frazier's "trampoline glove" and bounced off.  But King, whose pitching has generally been erratic this year, was also helped by great stops on ground balls by Gio Urshela at third and Kyle Holder at short, as well as Thairo Estrada's full length dive to snare a line drive off the bat of Bryan Reynolds.

Estrada was giving D.J. LeMahieu a rare day off because, as Yankees creature Lonn Trost said, "We can beat these guys with our JV."

A long home run in the second by Mike Ford provided all the offense King would need, though he was also helped out by Frazier's two ringing doubles, and three singles from his previously unheralded batterymate.

Wynston Selwyn Sawyer, a journeyman minor leaguer, had been called up after the Yanks' two previous backstops, Chris Iannetta and Eric Kratz, had been sidelined with geriatric maladies.  Sawyer looked considerably younger and more agile, and Manager Ma Boone also gave him credit for calling a great came.

It would have seemed that Sawyer had staked a strong claim to the back-up catcher spot, and maybe even gained a chance to challenge light-hitting Kyle Higashioka for the starting position.  Unfortunately, though, after catching the last pitch of the game—which was King's tenth strikeout on the night—Sawyer pulled an oblique muscle in the ensuing melée, and was placed on the 15-day disabled list.

A certain controversy surrounded King's gem, too, in that manager Boone left him in to throw 149 pitches.

"Ah, c'mon, how often does a guy get a chance at a no-hitter?  Sometimes, well, you know, you get one chance, just one big chance to really shine on a ballfield, and you have to take that, and hold onto it, because who knows, the next day some chump who said he was your friend might just end your whole career in a damned pick-up basketball game,"  Boone told the press corps, then inexplicably burst into tears.

King's left arm was wrapped in several layers of ice and gauze by the Yankees new team physician, Dr. Roberts, after the game.  When a reporter asked him why he had done this considering the fact that King was a righty, the Yankees trainer exclaimed, "Ah, nuts!" and began to wrap King's pitching arm, as well.

King, for his sake, said that while his arm hurt as if it were being stabbed by a thousand knives at the same time, he didn't care.

"Even if I never pitch another game in my life—even if I'm giving up a 20-year career—this was worth it," King told the media afterwards.  "Wait a minute.  A 20-year career?  That could be, like, $400 million.  And I traded that for excruciating pain and some dumb record book achievement nobody much cares about anymore?  Holy shit, what's wrong with me?"

After some special injections from the Yankees' new team doctor, however, King seemed to be in a better mood, saying that he did think his no-hitter was worthwhile after all, and that he could now see through time.

Meanwhile, intrigue continued to swirl around the whole Meet-Up in the Mesa, where Yankees slugger Giancarlo Stanton and baseball commissioner Rob Manfred and his entourage emerged after precisely 111 hours of consultation.  They announced that they had come to an agreement, but would not be at liberty to confirm it, until they had consulted with Players' Union head Tony Clark, who was reportedly on his way to join the group in their Navajo Sweat Lodge.

The group then returned inside the sweat lodge, saying they had seen their astral shadows.