Virtual Baseball: Goop Slide! Sox Complaint Oozes Away in Wall Accident. Cole Is Smoking Good!

The virtual ESPN Sunday Night Game of the Week took some unexpected twists, turns, digressions, and regressions, as a crash into the Green Monster ended up inadvertently revealing the Red Sox' secret supply of Goop.

Virtual Yankees outfielder Clint Frazier, pursuing a flyball with his usual lack of undue circumspection, smashed into the left field scoreboard at Fenway in the second inning tonight.  His collision accidentally opened a secret trap door, hidden under the circled "E" for error.  The door popped open—and out flowed a veritable lava flow of Goop, one that quickly covered the Red Menace, and left Red Sox faces, well, red.

Historians later related that it was the largest avalanche of a manmade substance since the terrible, Great Boston Molasses Flood of January, 1919, which killed 21 people, including then-Red Sox owner Jay Z. Frazee.  That terrible flood started when Boston pitcher Babe Ruth, looking for a little off-season recreation, hit a flyball that not only cleared the bleachers at Fenway but knocked a hole in the molasses holding tanks of the Purity Distilling Company near Keany Square, thereby setting off the disaster.

The incident has long been blamed for Frazee's son and heir, Harry, developing a lifelong animus to both baseball and the Babe, resulting in his decision to sell Ruth to the Yankees the following year, and thereby change the course of baseball.

On discovery of their own, secret supply of Goop, Sox management announced that it was dropping its request for an investigation into the substance.  At almost the same moment, the wire services reported that a fleet of mysterious trucks left the Houston Astros' ballpark, currently named Endless Sprawl Stadium in honor of their home city.

There is no information about exactly where the trucks are headed, although the shipper in question said that trucks were headed for a Tampa address registered to "a Mr. T. Brady."

After this explosion of restorative skin therapy, the rest of the game seemed dull in comparison.  Lasting a mere 4 hours and 15 minutes, it soon turned into a Yankees romp, with Gerrit Cole, in his first start on returning from injury limiting the Red-Faced Sox to just one hit and no runs in six innings of work.

Clint Frazier, once scrubbed of goop, contributed two home runs.  Gleyber Torres, Gio Urshela, and Gary Sanchez added roundtrippers of their own, until the Yanks had buried Boston just as thoroughly as any molasses avalanche, winning 14-0.

"Goop has a way of getting out," Manager Ma Boone commented afterwards, "and 'Hypocrite' is not just a river in Egypt."