Virtual Baseball: Start the Goop Train! Yanks Finally Sting Rays, as Sanchez Stars. A Maple Stands Tall!

A revitalized, virtual Gary Sanchez powered the Yankees to their first win of the season over Tampa Bay after eight straight losses, during a rainy, sunny, humid, breezy, turn down day at the Stadium this afternoon.

Sanchez, looking almost miraculously restored to the young Johnny Bench he was in 2016-2017, hit two jaw-dropping home runs, one off an ad just beyond the left field bleachers, and the other off the black glass of the Yankees' new Death Star restaurant in dead centerfield.

The refurbished backstop also threw out two Tampamaniacs trying to steal, one at second and the other at third, and picked another runner off first base.  Sanchez did an excellent job of framing pitches, coaxing an erratic Clarke Schmidt and the usual gaggle of relievers through to a 9-5 win.

"Gary is hitting and spitting out there, he's throwing and mowing," Suzyn Waldman told radio listeners, while her Karz for Kidz Broadcast Booth partner Clyde Frazier assured her, "That's it Suzie,  now you're talkin' not balkin', givin' us the just-so with gusto."

"Well, I thought if they could get some of our injured players away from our crack medical staff, they might recover," Manager Ma Boone told reporters afterwards.  "Guess maybe I'll give Gleyber a try tomorrow, too.  He sure seems all right."

Asked to comment on his treatment at the Goop Lab, Torres would say only that it was private thing, between himself and Dr. Paltrow.

And in yet another potential windfall for the Yankees, a maple stood tall against the Manhattan skyline once again, pitcher James Paxton appearing almost miraculously in the very site at Rockefeller Center where the giant Christmas tree is put up every year.

After stopping for a brief bite to eat at the restaurant that opens at the skating rink every summer, Paxton made his way to the Bronx.  He said that he was feeling fine and ready to pitch the next day, if need be, but added that the prices at Rockefeller Center were indeed outrageous.

"I make $12.5 million a year and I felt ripped off!  I can only imagine what it's like for the tourists," Paxton said, although he did think that the Rockettes snowglobe he bought in a nearby gift shop was well worth the $7 he paid for it.