All (-Star) Virtual Hell Breaks Loose! AL Holds on for Win.

In much of the virtual news media, the big story last night will be how the apocalyptic events prophesied by the Dodger Stadium scoreboard came true last night, when an earthquake confined solely to Chavez Ravine ripped a gigantic fault through the middle of the park, during the presentation of the game's MVP Award to the Houston Astros' Jose Altuve.

Images of Altuve and Joe Buck on the scoreboard video screen flickered off just as the earthquake began, replaced by the image of a Satanic-red Walter O'Malley, complete with horns, tail, and cloven hoofs, cackling maniacally, "I warned you!  I'm taking my stadium back!"

All of the remaining fans, players, and personnel in the stadium ran screaming for the exits.  They were able to make it to safety, except for Altuve and Buck, who were last seen tumbling down into the bottomless, seismic chasm.  The rest of Dodger Stadium soon toppled in after them.

MLB later issued a statement that regretted "some unfortunate technical glitches, following one of the most exciting All-Star games in memory."

Commissioner Rob Manfredmann said that the Dodgers would share The Big A with the Angels for the rest of the season, but hinted strongly that the team might well seek out a new city if Los Angeles did not build it a brand-new, state-of-the-art, all-luxury-box park for $3 billions—plans for which the commissioner's office somehow already hand on hand.

"Well, it would be a handsome park," commented Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner.

On the sports page, though, the big news was how the large Yankee contingent at the game drove the AL to victory.

A grand-slam home run by Gleyber Torres, another long homer from Gary Sanchez, who also threw two runners out on the bases; a pair of triples by D.J. LeMahieu, who started a brilliant double-play; Miguel Andujar's two doubles off the wall and the strike from left field that cut a runner down at the plate; and Gio Ursula's three, Nettles-like stabs of sure hits at third, all helped to build a big early lead for the Junior Circuit.

Meanwhile, "The Cole Train" matched some of the greatest All-Star pitching performances of the past, by the likes of King Carl Hubbell and Pedro Martinez, striking out NL stars Pete Alonso, Joey Votto, Clay Bellinger, Bryce Harper, Christian Yelich, Nolan Arenado, and Juan Soto, to get the win for his three-inning start.

To secure their eventual, 9-8 victory, though, the AL still needed Yankee hurler J.A. Happ to come out of the bullpen and fan Ketel Marte, Kris Bryant, and Josh Donaldson, with the bases loaded in the ninth.

Nevertheless, the MVP trophy went to Jose Altuve, who had a walk, a bunt single, and a stolen base, before being dragged down to hell.  MLB said that it would have special rescuer climbers searching the crevasse for Altuve and Buck, once the flames died down.